Dickheads armed with fireworks have been urged to “please not kill anyone” this bonfire night, as it emerged how pissing about with explosives after 10 cans of lager is dangerous.

A statement released by Rochdale Council claims that, if you are a bit of a bad knob, especially one from Belfield, you are much more likely to take a baby’s face off with firecrackers, not least because you’ve probably been in Wetherspoons all day spending your benefits money on shit beer.

The report also reveals how knob heads who drink whilst with the kids are upto 10 times more likely to drunkenly singe their children with sparklers, whereas those snobby folk in Norden are too concerned about dirtying their pointy shoes to go outside.

In the last two years, 11,000 children under the age of 12 had the faces burned off by shit parents trying to light ground spinners after 2 crates of beer. Of those 11,000, only 4000 have any eyeballs left, and just over 1000 say their faces get mistaken for Halloween masks when they go trick or treating.

“The message here is very clear” says council leader Bobby McCash.  “If you really want to have a bonfire, the only safe option is to come on down to the council funded one on Cronkeyshaw Common and spend all your money.

“It’s about a fiver for a hotdog and the kids are bound to nag you for a balloon, before you know it you’ll have spent £30 on utter shite. Then you won’t have enough for cans of special brew. It’s a win-win situation. We are here for the people.”

Felicity Bellamy-Wellington, from the very top of Norden village, said: “Those filthy animals who drink alcohol and then attempt the lighting of fireworks, they should be banned from buying them altogether. They should only be for us folk with a higher intelligence.”

She added: “While we are talking about Rochdale Council, please may I ask that they make the ground less muddy at public bonfires, last year it took me 2 hours to clean my kitten heels after taking Jonathan and Victoria to see the display. Some radiators would be dandy too, children can catch colds out there.”

The Rochdale Herald contacted some local scallies for comment, but they were all off their tits in the Regal Moon.