Typographical error blamed for afterlife reward mix-up
The five jihadists involved in last Saturday’s Spanish terror attack have expressed ‘disappointment’ upon receiving the heavenly reward of their heroic martyrdom of 72 vegans upon entering paradise after being shot dead by police in the resort of Cambrils, near Barcelona.
Rather than the expected reward of an eternity by the side of God with a veritable panoply of hot virgins to keep them company, the five terrorists are now coming to terms with the implications of spending an infinite amount of time with 72 interminably self-righteous bastards that have eschewed meat, dairy products and all animal based derivatives from their diet and lifestyles.
One such consequence would appear to be seemingly never ending conversations on the subject of tofu frittata with a spicy aubergine salsa. Moussa Oukabir, one of the attackers killed last Saturday, expressed surprise that tofu is easy to turn into a frittata without having to resort to using eggs. Apparently, while tofu might not seem like a tempting breakfast option, it’s high in protein and can easily be flavoured with a variety of ingredients to make it flavorful, by utilising cheesy flavoured nutritional yeast flakes, garlic, onions, and other easy, delicious flavouring options. Plus it has the benefit of being cruelty free!
“It sounds f****** disgusting” Oukabir is reported to have commented. “Seriously, can’t I get a kebab round here any place?”
The mix up, put down by afterlife officials to a clerical typographical error, is not the first to have caused problems with newly arrived residents of the hereafter. Martyrs of the truck bomb that killed 90 in Kabul’s diplomatic quarter last May were perplexed upon entering paradise to be presented with 72 Vogons, the fictional bad-poetry loving space aliens from Douglas Adam’s popular Hitch Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy series.
“I was sure it was meant to be virgins what we got. Imam Abdelbaki was very clear on that” Oukabir is said to have told sources. I’m not sure I can cope with an eternity spent with a horde of vegans. They’re already seriously doing my head in.”
Imam Abdelbaki, himself killed in an accidental explosion at their hideout in Alcanar, was as of today unavailable for comment.