Alleged deathbed confession implicates both floral delivery service and royal family in assassination plot

In a shock announcement that has been doing the rounds on shonky, discredited fake news outlets for some time now, retired Interflora agent Prong Studman has confessed to being both the brains and muscle behind the tragic incident that took the life of Princess Of Hearts Lady Di, along with her lover and confidante Dodi Fayed and their driver, Henri Mancini.

Given just weeks to live after being diagnosed with terminal cancer over twelve years ago, Studman told a selection of Eastern European clickbait-mongers in an exclusive online interview “I’ve nothing left to lose now, so I may as well come clean”.

“The Duke of Edinburgh had ordered the hit, but it seems MI5 weren’t up to the task” he told a couple of Estonian 19 year old’s operating ‘news’ sources out of their upstairs bedrooms in their parents houses. “She was a threat to the credibility of the royals, they couldn’t bear the thought of her breeding with a non-royal, let alone a Johnny Foreigner, and weren’t prepared to run the risk. Something had to be done. Unfortunately, no one could be bothered” he added.

“That’s where I come in. I couldn’t give a monkeys who she was doinking to be perfectly frank, she could have been having it off with Osama Bin Laden for all I cared. Bottom line is, flower sales were down and we needed a serious boost to the industry. Nothing says ‘Say It With Flowers’ quite like a huge and disproportionate collective public outpouring of grief. So I got in my white Fiat Uno, and twenty minutes later, bish bosh, flower sales charts are looking like a priapic bonobo monkeys cock. I’m quids in, laughing all the way to the bank”.

As of going to press, Mohammed Al Fayed, who has up to now accused the Duke Of Edinburgh, MI5, MI6, MFI, B&Q, Teleflorist and the original West End cast of Mama Mia of masterminding the assassination, was unavailable for comment.

Note to Ed, please hold back on publishing until I verify the source re. the two Estonian lads, I’m not entirely sure it’s 100% legit.