Racquetball superstar Andy Murray today spoke of how his charisma-free personality brings all the girls to his yard.

Murray, whose public speaking manner is so mind-numbingly tedious that renowned impressionist Alastair MacGowan famously fell asleep onstage two minutes into a Murray skit, claims his dour Scottish demeanour is irresistible to the ladies.

“Aye, no matter where I go, there’s always plenty o’ hinnies on ma trail” droned Murray in nasal tones flatter than a squashed wasp. “There’s nae doubt that mae tedious lack of charm is a proper fanny magnet and nae mistake.” He may have continued but the Herald sports correspondent had entered a catatonic state.

Murray’s personal fortune is estimated at £66 million.

Self styled ‘Andyholic’ Clarabelle Tonsel-Tunga said “He’s everything a girl could want. At the top of his profession, glamorous lifestyle, vast pots of money.

Oh, sorry, did I say vast pots of money? I meant a winning personality. He’s even quite hot in a sort of scrawny ginger way.”