Details leaked from an article due to be published in the Daily Mail show plans to bulldoze the famous neolithic landmark to make way for a place of worship for Salisbury Plain’s burgeoning Muslim community.
Reginald Harris-Tweedy of The National Heritage Society spoke with Mail reporter Urinal McRatfucker last week when pressed over the allegations; we spoke to him today.
“I did speak to him, yes” Mr Harris-Tweedy told us. “I distinctly remember telling him, categorically and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES is Stonehenge to be knocked down to make way for a new Super-Mosque, and you can quote me on that. Wherever in the world did you hear such a thing? It’s absolute nonsense, I told him. You can quote me on that as well, I said. Well, it would appear that he did quote me verbatim; at least after the bit in italic, bold capitals about under no circumstances, and up to the point that I told him it was absolute nonsense”.
“In that sense, yes, I suppose it is fair and balanced journalism” he added.
Irate “readers” of the Herald are expected to bombard the message boards within minutes of now with complaints about shoddy journalism and poor taste; they are advised by our editorial team not to read this actual article, rather than make an uniformed opinion about the nature of satire based on nothing more than a cursory glance at the headline, as seems to happen quite a bit round here at the minute.
Stonehenge is rumoured to have failed recent safety tests in which the neolithic flame retardant cladding covering many of the larger sarcens was found to be inadequate under present Health and Safety legislation; built slightly before current guidelines came into force, some of the more flammable megalithic structures are sadly no longer fit for purpose.
Most, if not all of Britain’s buildings are set to be demolished in the forthcoming purges over the next few weeks as the nation looks desperately for a way to salve its damaged conscience and find a suitable target to point the finger of blame toward. Super-Mosques are a great way of attracting traffic as click-bait to third rate news agencies such as ourselves due to the ire that they inspire in rabid right wing nutjobs.
The new Super-Mosque, according to Mr McFuckrat, is designed to accommodate up to a million illegal immigrants and will be replete with laser gun turrets, an underground missile silo and its own biological weapons research facility.
It is recommended by the National Trust that anyone interested in further information should avoid reading the Daily Mail at all costs.