Ronaldo vows to work the full six weeks to pay £13 million tax bill

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Many of us were shocked when top footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo was embroiled in tax evasion, especially to such a degree. The highly-regarded player, often hailed by many as the greatest ever, has, allegedly, dodged payments...

Media finally find someone who didn’t already think all professional cyclists were on drugs

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Shocking news broke this week that not everyone in the UK considers professional cyclists to be routine drug users. Other media outlets this week revealed that they had found an adult human being with an...

Significantly lower brain function can lead to heading footballs, scientists reveal

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Scientists have revealed that significantly lower brain function can lead to being a footballer. Researchers said they had identified "significantly lower levels of brain function" as a common factor amongst many footballers who, the study...

Rochdale footballer in record 198p transfer

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Rochdale football star, Wayne "Chopper" Gascoigne has been transferred to Accrington Stanley for a record 198p (€1.77) and a box of steak and onion crisps. The move shatters the previous record of 98p set last...

Wayne Rooney retires from International Football to spend more time with other people’s grandmas

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Wayne Rooney has announced that he intends to spend more time with other peoples grandmothers after retiring from international football. Rooney explained, "I've been all over the world with England. I've eaten kebabs in far...

Eric Bristow checks out aged 20 double top

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Eric Bristow, the world's oldest ever darts player, was at the Premier League Darts event at Liverpool's Echo Arena when he checked out aged twenty double top. Despite staying in the top flight shape you'd...

Man with double-barrelled surname good at cricket.

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MCC members expressed their delight yesterday that at long last someone with a proper surname was good at cricket. "It's a shame young Toby Roland-Jones didn't go to Oxford instead of Leeds, but at least...

Donald Trump congratulates Rochdale AFC on winning Superbowl

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POTATUS, Donald Trump telephoned and congratulated Rochdale AFC on winning the Superbowl on Sunday night. Much to the surprise of club officials. A club spokesman said, "The Chairman was catching up on Love Island when...

Spurs reassure loyal fans with plan to be shit again by the weekend

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Tottenham Hotspur, commonly referred to simply as Tottenham, Spurs, or a word that you really can’t use in an article these days for fear of sounding like you’re a fan of Trump, Farage and...

Touching scenes as Rooney reunited with hair transplant donor

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Footage has been revealed of the touching scenes when Wayne Rooney was reunited with his hair donor. The meeting took place on the rock of Gibraltar after Rooney was touring the rock and had just...

TV producer just can’t quite find the right Kraftwerk song for Tour De France...

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Local TV producer and sound editor has expressed 'exasperation' in his struggle to find exactly the right song by seminal German synth pioneers to accompany cycling segment.  Quentin Otters-Flange of Rochdale based Hot Pot Productions...

Venus Williams says most recent car insurance quote inspired her Wimbledon run

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Venus Williams has revealed that she was inspired to her Wimbledon final appearance by her most recent car insurance quote. Speaking after finishing runner up, Ms Williams 37, told the Herald, "Yeah it's good right now....

British public excited by boxing match between two men they wouldn’t want to move...

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British boxing fans spent much of the night anticipating and then watching a bout between black fighter Deontay Wilder and half-Irish gypsy Tyson Fury. Fight fan Dave Cooper, from Romford, said "I'm a bit confused...

Trump accused of damaging reputation of fat, racist golfers everywhere

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Donald Trump has been asked to give up golf as he is tarnishing its reputation and attracting the wrong type of people into the game. Fat, white, affluent, vaguely racist, middle-aged golfers are appalled...

‘I moved for new challenges’ says footballer now on three quarters of a million...

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Brazilian bladder-hoofer Naymar Davis Junior today explained his reasons for his £200 million move from Europe's most technically skilled, most competitive national football league to the one-horse procession that is the French First Division....

Balding just 2 Gold medals away from on air orgasm

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BBC sports anchor and part time Eddie Izzard lookalike Claire Balding is quite literally on the edge of making TV history by being the first sports presenter to reach sexual climax live on air. Week...
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