Food vendors at the Glastonbury festival have been in uproar today after Jeremy Corbyn fed the entire site using just five loaves of bread and two fish.

Percy Cheesewright told us,”I saw him coming out of a portaloo. We stood and chatted. I told him it was nice to see a man with proper convictions in politics and got a selfie with him. He was carrying a bag but I thought nothing of it. Then he gets up on stage, makes this big speech, looks to the Pyramid stage. He takes the five loaves, gives thanks and breaks the loaves. Then he gives them to the crowd. They all ate and were satisfied, and Michael Eavis picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over and walked off with them.”

It’s a disgrace. I’ve got 20,000 cheeseburgers here. What am I supposed to do with them?”

Food vendors weren’t the only ones annoyed at Corbyn. Drinks vendor Vodka Best said, “After he’d done the whole bread and fishes routine he gets Eavis to come over with some water. Then he gets Eavis to taste the water and Eavis says it’s wine. Not just any wine though. Chateau Lafite-Rothschild. Then everyone starts tasting their water and that’s wine too. Talk about champagne socialists. Nobody wants my warm Carlsberg now.”

Michael Eavis told us, “It’s great having Jeremy here. He’s the first frontline politician who’s got young people to engage with politics in years. Think I’ll keep him away from the field where we buried all those cows we had to kill during the foot and mouth outbreak of 2001. We wouldn’t want his Lazarus routine. A lot of our patrons are on drugs so zombie cows could be very distressing for them.”

It didn’t all go Corbyns way though. The festival had to be halted whilst everyone searched for his keys. He thought he’d lost them when he was crowd surfing but they were later found in the silent disco tent.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.