Icons of children’s entertainment to take refuge for the rest of 2017

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Children’s authors, presenters and actors are seeking hiding places for the rest of 2017, the Rochdale Herald has learned. This year has seen, in very quick succession, the loss of many stars of children’s entertainment...

New Voting System Ticks All The Wrong Boxes

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More controversy engulfed Rochdale Borough Council today as councillors in Rochdale's Labour run Balderstone and Kirkholt ward rolled out their new voting initiative just one day before the EU referendum. Dubbed DRS (an acronym standing...

BBC resolves gender pay gap crisis

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Human Resources managers at the BBC have been working tirelessly throughout the weekend, completing two days of back-to-back 6 hour shifts with reduced ginseng tea breaks, trying to eliminate the gender pay gap at...

Boy Scouts of America deny meeting Donald Trump

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The Boy Scouts of America have issued a statement denying meeting Donald Trump. “It never happened. It's fake news folks.” The statement begins. “Only a sick, sick person would believe that we would ask a man...

Government plans to lower age of criminal responsibility to 2 YEARS OLD

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To help with the deficit, the government will be lowering the age of criminal responsibility to 2. The age of criminal responsibility is currently 10 in England, Wales and Northern Ireland, and 12 in...

Substitute teacher to stand in for Theresa May in hope of improving cabinet discipline

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Wilma Beard, a graduate teacher on the books of an education supply agency, has been contracted to fill in for Theresa May in the hope of improving cabinet discipline. Ms Beard put the following post...

Everyone to star in latest series of Big Brother

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In a massive change of direction, our government known for privatising everything for short term gain and long term loss has bought out Dutch based media firm Endemol and placed all of its output into the...

Is Bank of England endangering health of cocaine users

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A casual cocaine user from Rochdale has accused the Bank of England of intentionally trying to injure and poison him with the new fiver. Nathan Webster 22, a cocaine fan from Rochdale, complained: "These new fivers...

Fine isn’t a problem as we don’t pay tax says Vodafone

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Vodafone chief executive Nick Jeffrey has apologised to customers for its poor service after being fined £4.6 million by OFCOM. Mr Jeffrey said the fine was proportionate, and that as they've avoided paying a fair...

Rochdale Murderer Caught

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There was shock and disbelief amongst Rochdale motorists yesterday as the police went out and caught a murderer, instead of stopping poor innocent speed enthusiasts. Events unfolded during rush hour yesterday when police observed an...

Heseltine denies drowning kitten admits to strangling puppy

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Lord Sir Michael Heseltine of Sith has dismissed the outrage over his admitting to throttling a dog as "Hippy nonsense!" as animal lovers across the nation show their scorn. "It had some kind of mental...

Rochdale Man wins Nobel Prize for Physics after discovering the Sun is HOT!!!

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Joe Griffiths, from Rochdale, has been awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics after discovering the sun is HOT. It turns out that Isaac Newton wasn't the only one to have a scientific epiphany whilst sitting...

Exclusive CIA interview: Russia definitely baddies.

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The Herald, your only reliable source for news these days, has yet again got the scoopiest of exclusives, today we interview the CIA on the recent Russian hacking and election tampering. RH: Good afternoon....

BBC confident Planet Earth 3 will contain ‘at least 80% Attenborough’

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The BBC are desperately trying to complete series 3 of their hugely popular Planet Earth programme, as with all the fuckery 2016 has offered up so far, bosses are worried that Sir David Attenborough...

Nuttall to captain UK Olympic waterboarding team

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UKIP party leader, former archbishop of Canterbury, Duke of Edinburgh in Waiting and Huddersfield Town striker, Paul Nuttall has been named as the captain of the UK's waterboarding team for the 2020...

George Osborne admits he’s Banksy confessing “it was my first job”

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Evening Standard Editor George Osborne is rightfully popular with recruitment specialists but few people are aware of his first job as famous, mysterious street artist Banksy. The Rochdale Herald’s crime correspondent spoke to Mr Osborne...
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