Elderly white bloke invoking blitz spirit wins Brexit’s Got Talent

In an emotional final show, 102 year old Tommy Atkins held off challengers by singing Vera Lynn songs in a quavering voice in front of a backdrop featuring Lancasters, Spitfires, red phone boxes, sausages...

Stupid Rochdale man flattered by clickbait

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Exceptionally dim Rochdale man Brian Kershaw was yesterday super excited after answering nearly all of the questions correctly in an online quiz. Before he clicked on the quiz, Mr Kershaw had been assured that 99%...

Channel 4 axes Deal Or No Deal after contestant cracks formula

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Channel 4's flagship box-based quiz show "Deal Or No Deal" is to be axed after Rochdale maths wizard Ken Ramsbottom cracked the code that's remained an enigma for the show's entire 11 year run,...

Hollywood blockbuster may not feature Benedict Cumberbatch

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Controversy struck Hollywood today when news broke that a new high budget movie might not feature Bendable Cramplebitch. "2017 is a brand new year," said Hollywood pundit Selina Pastiche, "and it's time that not every...

Gary Glitter releases Christmas single, In the Brownies

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Gary Glitter is releasing a new single in time for the Christmas number 1 battle. The song, a cover version of "In the Brownies" is Glitter's first new material for 3 decades. A spokesman said, "This...

Missile strike in Syria; mass outpouring of grief from OneDirection fans

Following the disastrous US missile strike in Syria yesterday which claimed the lives of 57 civilians including 11 children, teenagers and young adults around the world have taken to social media in their hundreds...

Bradley Walsh cast on Doctor Who to tackle underrepresentation of middle aged white men

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Popular presenter of ITV’s The Chase, Bradley Walsh, has been announced today as a new companion in long running BBC sci-fi show, Doctor Who. The decision is being hailed as a great move against the...

Parents across the country prepare to encourage their kids to defy them

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Yes, it's that time of the year again, the nights are drawing in, there's a chill in the air and knob heads can't wait two hours until it goes dark before letting off their...

Diane Abbott To Play Nigel Farage In Brexit The Movie

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In a surprising turn, it has just been announced that a movie of Brexit is to be made and the part of Nigel Farage is to be played by Diane Abbott MP. Director Roger De Bris...

Trump Introduces 2020 Presidential Campaign Mascot

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President Trump took to the stage in Nuremberg, Florida, on Saturday in front of a crowd seen from space, to unveil his mascot for the 2020 presidential campaign. "He's called Dumpy!" President Trump beamed, as...

Prince Philip to star in new season of The Walking Dead

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There are rumours circulating today that Prince Philip will get a central role in a new series of, The Walking Dead. The show depicts characters trying to stay alive following a zombie apocalypse. Each week...

Russians say Donald Trump and Mr Blobby never seen in room together

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Russian intelligence leaked today reveal that current and soon to be impeached American president Donald Trump has a very suspicious past. “We look into all our allies,” said Sergi Vasilev, former KGB killer and advisor...

Pensioners advised to burn BBC licence fee fines to keep warm this winter

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The government, breaking a manifesto promise, has facilitated the scrapping of the free TV license for over 75s from 2020. "My pension doesn't cover the bills and food as it is, the only thing that...

Paul Hollywood slammed for attending birthday party dressed as Nigel Farage

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Great British Bake Off star Paul Hollywood has apologised after being pictured dressed as Nigel Farage at a fancy dress party. The 51-year-old said the pictures dated from 2003, when he went to a New...

Theresa May to appear from Pyramid in Glastonbury

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Conservative leader to introduce those monks from Doctor Who on the main stage as Michael Eavis pours away his cider and looks accusingly at the bottle. Theresa May will appear in a giant Pyramid during...

Magic Circle Trigger Terror Alert

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Amid growing concern and fears for public safety, illusionist extremists The Magic Circle have been deemed a threat to security and democracy. The so-called magicians have publicly recorded many of their barbaric acts including brutally...
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