National News

The new runway at Heathrow airport will be completed just in time for leading Brexiteer's to use it to leave the country for villa's in France and Germany leading Brexiteer's have revealed.  One official said,...

Britain prepares itself once again for total travel chaos and public service disruption, because of the completely predicable weather that is expected at this time of the year. Millions of people woke up this morning...

Albert Fudge, a Rochdale based web designer employed by the Conservative Party- has accidentally deleted the European Human Rights Act. The tech boffin was asked by Theresa May's new Government to get rid of the...

The Government have announced that a whale that has been found dead beside the River Thames was a Russian spy. The whale was found beside Battersea Bridge yesterday afternoon. One Government source told us, "We...

As Britain is experiencing the worst snow since last time,the rest of the world has decided to cease all activities and events to let the BBC cover just the snow. A spokesperson for the rest...

A team of scientists from Rochdale Community University have confirmed after years of extensive research that builder's tea is, in fact, just tea. Clarence Tetley, lead beverage researcher at the University's world famous Brew Institute,...

Pig's have been telling us that calling alcoholic racists gammon is racist. Pig, Stan Still said, "It's racist and it trivialises our sacrifice. Millions of my porcine pals have died to give you a tasty...

Sheffield City Council have declared a state of emergency after some residents reported taking a bath. Brightside resident Stand Still told us, "It's been 12 years since I last had a bath. I've been down...

A Rochdale resident has been explaining how winning £10 on the lottery has made him re-evaluate his position on Marxism. Shea Bukharin told the Herald, "I was always up for collective ownership of wealth. The...

“It’s like Frankenstein’s monster. You create this and release it there is no telling what harm it will do once it realises it has thumbs. Better instead to give the chancer a Lordship and let him never turn up to the House of Lords. It will be exactly the same as his ‘work’ as an MEP. Put him on a few committees and you’ll never see him again.”

Along with the very fine and folk at NewsThump and The Southend News Network we have put together what we think could be one of the biggest attempts at a Secret Santa ever. Around the...

The West Midlands is experiencing record low levels of bad news and buffoonery as the majority of the population took advantage of a plausible day off work. As regular viewers of the Express & Star...

As the umpteenth series of the godawful fantasy franchise "Game of Thrones" is due to air on Murdoch-vision this week, those with more refined taste are bracing themselves for months of impenetrable chatter. "What did...

There will be fewer quiet nights during October after the authorities in charge of the House of Commons agreed to give the recently renamed Massive Mohammed permission to bong during the religious festival of...

A 25 year long study of the people who habitually buy and use BMW 3 series has concluded that they are usually "unbearable bellends." Previous studies have shown that some BMW 3 series owners had...

Sir John Chilcott has announced his long overdue enquiry into the Trojan War could be ready "within a matter of days". The report, long overdue and subject to criticism that it may have been delayed...