National News

Lard-loving fast food fanatics McDonald's made the announcement immediately following the news that London's sewers have been blocked by vast deposits of insoluble grease. The limited edition Monster FatburgerR will initially retail in affected parts...

A woman from the North of England has shocked the country by putting the heating on in October. Denise Dufite, originally from the northern town of St Helens in Merseyside, has been living in London...

A man has confirmed that his choice of Audi Quattro was justified by the recent inclement weather. Chris Lupton spent most of the morning in his office sharing knowing glances and discrete nods of acknowledgement...

Tragedy has struck Burnley this afternoon after the Scottish band from St Andrew's accidentally locked in their tour Mondeo and died from heat exhaustion. With temperatures in Lancashire soaring above zero it's thought the band,...

A husband whose wife told him to do whatever he likes is still not aware that he really isn’t going to get to do what he likes.

Popular paedophile, Gary Glitter is alleged to be considering crowdfunding a trip to Thailand for when he gets out of prison. A spokesperson said, "The funds will only be used to fund Gary's flights, accommodation...

The Russian government has denied any involvement in the poisoning of Aleksandr 'The Meerkat' Orlov, after the TV star was found unconscious outside his South London home. Police and paramedics were called to the address...

Motorists are being advised to avoid the M62 after reports of a dozen hungry rugby players from Burnley eating the corpses of stranded motorists near Ainley Top. The Daily Express reported cars were stranded for...

The First Secretary of State, essentially Theresa May's deputy, is facing an investigation by his Mum into allegations that copies of the Conservative manifesto was found on a computer under his bed at home. Mrs...

The team behind the bewilderingly popular series of computer games Call of Duty has revealed that the next instalment of the franchise will be set on Oxford Street during Black Friday sales.  The release follows...

Prince Andrew has denied allegations that he met Emily Maitlis or even appeared on the TV show, Newsnight. Despite over 1 million people having seen him do so. Recently appointed PR spokesman for the Prince,...

As Storm Ciara batters it's way across the country we at The Rochdale Herald ask, is the EU to blame? Bill Board, Wetherspoons Raconteur. "Of course it is. The EU and George Soros are trying to...

People have been mixing up the Automobile Association and Alcoholics Anonymous on a massive scale, it has emerged. Things came to a head recently when a Rochdale man was surprised to find when filling out...

Britain has said that it's perfectly equipped to make a success of Brexit even though shops that sell things for a pound are closing. Business analyst, Twyford Shrub said, "The fall in the pound and...

Racists reacted with predictable denial today when faced with the reality that the punishments they frequently recommend for those seeking asylum, immigrants and generally anyone with more than a two day sun-tan are identical...

With the season now officially spring, clocks up and down the nations have been moved forward one hour to adjust to British Summer Time; or if you are from Burnley, they just happen to...