National News

UK shoppers were in ecstasy as bendy bananas made a comeback into British supermarkets following Parliament’s decision to allow Prime Minister Theresa May to trigger article 50. Although bendy bananas are not strictly allowed...

Dickensian child, "Tiny" Tim Cratchitt has been declared fit to work by ATOS this week despite being both famously crippled and fictional. His father, Robert Cratchitt, has condemned the decision, insisting his son's age and...

The Government is to tell young people that they should move away from urban centers in order to pay less rent. With rents increasing in many areas where jobs are plentiful rent is now taking...

A bloke with a tattoo of a skull on his neck has done really, really well in a job interview today. Harvey Wallbanger, 22, from Rochdale had applied for a job as a cashier in...

Buckingham Palace has released a statement from the Queen denying that she has ever met Prince Andrew. In the statement the Queen said, "I've never heard of this man, he's never been in my womb...

An exclusive Herald investigation has revealed the extent to which the government's monitoring agency GCHQ can manipulate public opinion through the hacking of common household appliances. Following news that GCHQ was involved in helping Obama...

British Unity Nationally Guaranteed Treasury Minister Terry Axe announced today that British Unity Nationally Guaranteed (aka B.U.N.G.) payments will start shortly as part of delivering the Conservative and Unionist National Transition Schedule (aka, well, never...

The recent weather worries in Cumbria worsened this morning, after 12 minutes of unseasonable partial sunshine exposed a fell walker to lethal levels of the rare nerve agent Vitamin D. With local post temperatures soaring to...

Theresa May has announced that the UK will be leaving the Eurofighter Programme immediately. BAE Systems will be closing its Eurofighter factory in the North West with the loss of 2,000 jobs the firm...

A survey of very cute little dogs has discovered that almost 99.9% of them are in fact savage little bastards. The survey which was carried out by Which Pet magazine has proven conclusively that all...

Tube Chat Badges given out to travellers on the London Underground to encourage people to talk more are said to be a surprising success, according to some reports today. The badges, which are not supplied...

A group of American tourists are threatening to sue a Birmingham hotel , after claiming that the owners have exposed them to humiliation and ridicule.   The group from New York, all in their sixties, left...

The entire United Kingdom muttered "for fuck's sake" in unision yesterday afternoon after learning that Boris Johnson has been "elected: new Conservative leader and will become the next UK prime minister. Divisive lying shitweasel and...

Ducks around the UK have confirmed that they are having a really lovely day and are enjoying the weather. Speaking from the middle of a massive puddle in Rochdale Donald, a duck, told The Rochdale...

There were touching scenes at The Moderates against Moderation riot in the car park outside Rochdale's now infamous Waitrose as police and rioters came together to help a fat man out of his trousers. Steve...

The white van man community has been under a great deal of pressure to apologise for one of them deliberately running over members of the public earlier this week. The entire van driving community...