A Rochdale man has demanded that the Government step in if the retailer John Lewis goes bust. There are fears that the retailer may be in trouble after it was reported that it posted 0 profit for the first half of this year.

Cliff Edge told us, “John Lewis is a shop owned in partnership by the board and the people who work there. It’s truly a people’s shop so should be saved if it goes under so that its stores can stand empty in the high street like some sort of reminder of a bygone High Street era.”

Cliff went on to reveal that he last visited the store in 1995. “I’ve obviously not shopped there since 1995 and neither has anyone I know. It always used to be a bit expensive. To be honest, I just use it to go in, find things I want to buy then look them up on the internet.”

The fears that John Lewis could go under come in a year when many High Street chains have been announcing redundancies and store closures. One councilor told us, “On the surface it looks terrible for town centers. But I think it’s important to focus on the positive benefits this could bring. It gives the leisure industry a big boost as long as your main hobby is gambling. And who doesn’t love a flutter? And with all these unemployed shop workers with little time on their hands they’ll need something to do in the day.”

There have been unconfirmed rumours that a collapse of John Lewis could take Waitrose with it and fears of a Chorizo shortage in Cheshire have led to panic buying.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.