A pig headed Southern man has reduced his negative opinion of the north by 0.00000001% after spending a delightful weekend in Heckmondwicke.
Southerner Paul Thatcher-Wright, who based all his opinions of the north on 5 minutes of East is East & the Harry Enfield Scousers sketch, had previously vowed never to set foot in the north whilst retaining the belief that the verdant splendor of his home town of Stevenáge could not be rivaled.
However, after finally being coaxed further north than Watford Gap, albeit kicking and screaming, Thatcher-Wright was taken aback when a round for his group of friends did not require him to remortgage his house to free up capital.
‘I nearly fell off me chair’ he explained. ‘I asked how much it was for a pint, but I had to get Jim to translate, as he’s got a sister-in-law from Barnsley – ‘orrible accent she’s got – so he’s familiar with the vernacular. When he told me she’d said £2.28, I couldn’t believe it!’
‘We get inflation darn ere, but they’ve got summink called Deflation up there, I fink the cost of living goes darn every year, so you can drink a pint for £2.28 at a working man’s club – if you can put up with the accents – it’s no wonder they’re always bloody ‘ammered!!’
The sense of Thatcher-Wright’s new found fondness for the north was palpable, as he repeated ‘£2.28!’ before raising his fingers to his lips and releasing a kiss the air, with a certain je ne sais quoi.
However, he stopped short of making plans to leave his beloved Stevenáge for good.
‘Nah mate, it still smells of fertilizer, and it’s still full of Scousers, Mancs and Geordies but it aint half as bad as I thought it would be.’
