Men all over the world are reluctantly conceding that now might be a good time to start their Christmas shopping.

“If I start shopping at noon that gives me an hour to buy gifts for sixteen people, three hours to go to the pub and time to spare to pick up some Christmas cards from the petrol station on the way home.” Said Dave Bloke from Rochdale.

“Does anybody know what girls like? I’ve got to get something for my wife. Last year I got her some new windscreen wipers from Halfords and a Happy Easter card from the Esso garage. She didn’t seem to like those as much as I thought she would. She’s difficult to buy for.”

“I’m not sure when I’m going to get a chance to wrap presents though. At a push I could just sellotape the carrier bags shut like I did last year.”

According to sources at the British Retail Consortium today is the best day of the year for the sale of disposable barbecues and pre-mixed screenwash as fathers around the country start shopping for presents for their children.

“I got my daughter some Adblue fuel additive last year. She’ll thank me when she’s old enough to drive, it really improves engine performance apparently. I’m a bit stuck as to what to get her this year though. Three year olds are even harder than wives to buy gifts for.”

“I’m struggling for ideas. Do you think she’d like this wheel or a new drill?”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.