In a bid to improve its reputation as one of the world’s most lethal pathogens, the Ebola virus has today sought to shift the blame for its deadly effects onto people.
The virus, which was involved in the deaths of over 11,000 people between 2014 and 2016, told our reporter that responsibility for the fatalities really lay with its victims, as it could not have killed anybody without their active participation.
“As a virus, I’m basically an inert object until someone is stupid enough to pick me up,” said the disease organism.
“If you just sit me on table or leave me in a cupboard, I’m completely harmless. However, if you’re dumb enough to allow me to enter your body and replicate with impunity then the consequences are on you my friend.”
The virus explained that its ability to cause irreparable, and usually fatal, damage to the human body did not mean that it was to blame for its devastating effects on communities during mass outbreaks.
“If I’m inside your body minding my own business, just replicating away, and you decide to leak blood and shit from every available orifice then I’m hardly responsible for other people dying, am I?” it asked.
“People make the decision to contaminate other people, not me, so to say that I’m some sort of problem that needs fixing is nothing short of slander.
“I mean, guns kill over 30,000 people in the US every year but you don’t see them rushing to ban firearms. This is persecution, plain and simple.
“You want to stop people dying from viruses? Ban people. Except anti-vaxxers. I love those guys.”
A spokesman for pharmaceutical company PharmaGeddon told the Herald that finding a way to tackle the virus was not currently seen as a priority.
“Public safety is obviously very important and it would be great if we could develop a way to minimise the impact of deadly viruses on our communities,” he said.
“But do you know what’s more important? Money. Making huge bags of cash will trump any attempt to make the world a better place every time. And why waste money trying to resolve an issue that only kills thousands of people each year?
“Besides, everyone knows that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a virus is a good guy with his head in the sand, desperately screaming that there’s not a problem. Or something like that. We really don’t care.”
