Professor Emeritus of Southern Studies at the University of Leeds, Joe Roots, confirmed in his opening lecture of the 2017/18 academic term that:
“London is right full of wankers, I’ve been, I’ve seen.”
The lecture was delivered in the Great Hall and formed part of the ritual hazing of the many Southern students who somehow think they are welcome in Leeds.
Roots continued, “It used to be that Kings Cross would lull you into a false sense of security by spilling you out straight into a vice ridden area full of drinking dens and fighting men. In other words kid, it were pretty much like Wakey Westgate.”
“Like Wakey, they’ve tarted it up a bit. That, I can sort of accept, we make that kind of error up here. However, listen to this. I had temerity to have short kip on t’bench from 9 while 9:30 as me bus want due. Some fella, comes up to me, and says, you can’t do that here. So, me interest were piqued and I looked into it.”
“You know in London, many of t’public spaces aren’t actually public. They’re privately owned. Obvious ones like Canary Wharf, or as you’ll know it, t’Multi-story Dickhead Park, but also ones like Kings Cross, Bishops Square, More London, Westfield Stratford, all that, you can be kicked out of if they don’t like the cut of your jib.”
“This is part of the reason they are full of those beige frothy coffee drinking bellends who watch Love Island to ironically discuss it with their mates, but also so they have sommat to try and pretend they can relate to their secretary about, despite their crushing social awkwardness and need for validation on Instagram. They actually have lads wearing loafers wi’ no socks in that London, I’m not even lying.”
“Now what you lot might not know is that t’owners of yon spaces are working with Omnicorp’s security division, and of course, Apple. Apple’s new “pay with yer face” technology might sound like a big lad in Gipton, but in reality they are soon going to be able to scan you on entry to these parks and if your net worth isn’t high enough, they’ll kick you back out before you can even order a glass of water so you can use t’wifi.”
“Same goes for the first line cultural appropriators in South London, they’re really just setting up outposts. Expect gun turrets to be mounted to The Bussey Building in Peckham within the next 5 years.”
