The NHS received a much needed boost today, after Number 10 kindly pledged to plough a sizeable portion of uncollected change from all Government office vending machines into public services in a stunning new 10 year agreement.
The new scheme will see NHS coffers replenished with 50% of all uncollected shrapnel, with the remaining 50% to be set aside to subsidise the next state funded funeral of an unnamed, much maligned political figure. You know the one we mean.
After thoroughly disinfecting herself despite not interacting with any patients, veteran face contortionist and sometime UK PM Theresa May hurriedly announced the news to assembled press outside Oldham Royal Hospital, where she had earlier announced the closure of a ward for infirmed children.
“We realise times are tough for the dedicated, brave members of our National Health Service” she started, adjusting her £5,000 trousers. “It is often levelled at this Government that we don’t provide enough funding for public services, so we’re delighted to once again prove our doubters wrong by demonstrating our unwavering commitment to our precious, precious NHS. So…. precious.” she finished, clasping on to a mysterious looking ring from her pocket before being moved along by an interim aide, probably called Giles.
Leading Economist from University of Life College of Economics Professor Sherbert Cribbins was understandably in buoyant mood after the announcement, exclusively noting to the Herald “It’s fabulous news. All these lefties will be banging on about it not being enough, but, trust me, with the amount of utter crap your average MP eats on any given day, our health service is in for a major boost.”
“Think about it in Layman’s Terms – It’s impossible for our lavishly paid MP’s to sit in the House of Commons listening to Corbyn bang on about bloody housing without the incessant boost from a Toffee Crisp and an Espresso, and they’re so mind numbingly bored until it comes to discussing their own pay, that they’ll likely forget their change. These radical changes should at least be enough to finance a brand new Nespresso Machine in every A&E department up and down the land – can’t say fairer than that!!” before sticking his fingers in his ears singing ‘LA, LA, LA, LA’ when asked what would be the point if hospitals would not be able to afford Nestle’s exorbitantly priced capsules.
With the news well received in many quarters, predictably, there was also a smattering of negativity & cynicism towards the plans, with selfish NHS Nurse Anne Nonymous – who wished to remain Anonymous, but what would be the point? – giving her bleary eyed take to the Herald after finishing a 23 hour shift.
“Everyone knows those unscrupulous swines they claim everything on their expenses anyway, so it makes no difference whatsoever, we’ll just keep having to do more and more with less. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get up for work in 2 hours.”
