The announcement made at an event in central London. Mayor Sadiq Khan came onto stage to the strains of Queen’s Bicycle Race to unveil the initiative.
Unfortunately, the planned demonstration (alas, no naked women on bicycles) didn’t go ahead following a catastrophic crash. “It wasn’t the bikes!” exclaimed PR host Fuller Twaddle. “It was the computer which crashed, somebody turned it off while it was doing updates.”
Twaddle goes on to explain how the riderless bikes work. “It’s a bit like sat-nav, really,” he says. “You connect to wi-fi, input your destination postcode and off you go. They have been fully road-tested at our secret facility and with our award-winning simulation software. There has not been a single recorded injury.”
Twaddle anticipates a full street trial during early 2018 before riderless bikes are rolled out across the capital in readiness for the summer. “London’s Boris Bikes are being phased out and upgraded to riderless status. We are calling them Sadiq Cycles.” He also announced that, in time, riderless rickshaws will also be available.London to trial riderless bikes in 2018.
The wi-fi connection will also supply the power required to propel the bikes across town. Gyms everywhere have been encouraged to sign up to the scheme, in return for advertising space. Power generated by exercise bikes will be transmitted wirelessly to the Sadiq Cycles. Riderless bikes will be powered by bikeless riders.
Predictably, cyclists are upset by the news. Lauren Tuer-Self, who runs pressure group 2 Wheels 2 Right, was at the event.
“It takes away the prestige and integrity of cycling,” she declared, resplendent in thrush-inducing orange lycra and mirrored shades. “No self-respecting cyclist would be seen dead on a Sadiq Cycle. Riderless bikes are like fish without the chips. They take away the whole skill element. And don’t you dare describe me as a ‘spokes’ woman. It’s just not funny.”
