One in five people, or 20% of the people in large areas of Scotland and Wales have not been online in the last three months because of poor internet provision, according to the Office of National Statistics.
As a result internet related injuries in the two countries fall well below the number of injuries recorded in England and Northern Ireland.
“Zombie like people staring into their mobile phones and walking into lamp posts, oncoming busses and cars and open pub cellar doors just doesn’t happen all that much in places with low internet connectivity,” said Mark Urcards, professor of internet geography at the elite Rochdale Community University.
“And there is a great deal less self-harm and attempted suicide injury that the NHS has to deal with because of the lesser presence of Cyber bullying”,he added
“We also find that these internet disadvantaged places are home to some of the most sharp-sighted people in the U.K.”
As a result the NHS saves shitloads of money on optical prescriptions for the hundreds of thousands of people who are not blighted with near-sightedness from sitting in front of computer screen for half their fricken lives, said Professor Urcards.
In Dundee City, one area of low internet use, the Reverend Hector Peoples of the local Presbyterian Church, said the risk of marginalising people with low internet connectivity was outweighed by the boost not only to the physical health and well being of the community, but also to the moral well-being of the people.
“My church is full on Sunday morning because people haven’t been up all night watching the filthy degrading pornography which the heathen English have available to them at all God’s hours,” he said.
“Fuck the internet for Christ’s sake,” he said.
