Antisocial anthropologist Dr Alec Smartt revealed this astounding fact in his dissertation entitled “Discerning the class differentials in a post-modern classless society”.

Dr Smartt’s research focussed particularly upon successful people who have mysteriously risen to the top, like a turd in a toilet bowl.

One trait of being a knob is having an unfeasibly large ego. We spoke to Jess Ting, an airheaded marketing executive from Rochdale, whose number plate is JE 55 ICA. “It’s so me!” exclaimed the bottle-blonde bimbo. “I just HAD to accessorise my Range Rover Evoque, just so everyone KNOWS it’s mine!”

Knobs inadvertently talk bollocks while trying to be serious. Estate agent and ‘part time private dick’ (according to his CV), Richard Head, agrees. “A personalised plate is an important aspirational executive goal to which important goal-driven executives like me should aspire,” he says, tautologically. “It’s an extension of my cool yet flamboyant personality.” Richard owns an Audi convertible with number plate is D 1 CK X. An ex-girlfriend of Richard’s revealed that he really does need that ‘personality’ extension.

Attention seeking is a common knob characteristic. We spoke to Sadie O’Masochism, a professional celebrity. “It’s tiring being vacuous, shallow and glamorous all day – and all night too!” she gushes. “I like to drive myself, incognito, to all the most fashionable places on my days off, and suddenly whip off the dark glasses for the paps. It makes me feel so alive!” The plate on Sadie’s imported left-hand drive Italian sports car is, of course, SAD 111 E.

Other car-related knobbishness indicators include pulling into a space 0.5mm longer than your car at high speed, hogging the middle lane, and owning a BMW.

Our putative PM’s car is rumoured to have the plate BOR 1 S.

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