UK health secretary Jeremy Hunt has fallen victim to a cruel nominative determinism sting operation perpetrated by an East European cockney rhyming slang gang, a spokesman for Scotland Yard revealed in a press conference on Tuesday.
The spokesman explained that the gang had tricked Hunt into involuntarily googling the name of “Nimco Ali”, the head of the “Daughters of Eve” NGO which works to protect girls and young women who are at risk from female genital mutilation (FGM).
Having found her e-mail address, Hunt found he had no other option than to invite her to his ministerial office where he found himself obliged to quiz her about the quality her orgasms.
“Frankly he has been left looking a complete “garden tool”, not to say an utter “Jeremy”, the spokesman said warning that the use of such devious metrical trickery against serving government ministers could not go unpunished, and those responsible could expect lengthy sentences of “bird”.
The spokesman also warned that other government ministers could be at risk of being targeted in similar scams.
“Amber Rudd may not be the worst home secretary in living memory but she certainly risks living up to her reputation in east London, to put it crudely,” he explained, adding that he was particularly concerned about Liam Fox.
“Doctor Fox is well known for his love of poultry farming and has long been rumoured to be a bit “Theresa”,” he said.
Coupled with his difficulty pronouncing the letter “V” this has led to his being regarded veritably a security risk, he explained.
Other ministers considered at risk from nominatively determinalist extremists were being encouraged to look out for each other he said explaining that Lord Chancellor Elizabeth Truss was maintaining a 24-hour guard on Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson, while Andrea Leadsome has been warned to sleep with the lights on.
Other high profile political figures could also be at risk he said, explaining that serial far right party funder Arron Banks has been warned to avoid spunking any more dosh on Nigel Farage.
“He has also been told to avoid public transport. Given his high public profile there is a risk he could be pulled off at any moment,” he added.
Nominative determinism, and in particular that form stemming from the popular vernacular rhyming slang of east has long been a bane of senior conservative politicians.
The situation became particularly acute in the cabinets of the late Margaret Thatcher – herself previously immortalised during her period as education secretary as “Thatcher the milk snatcher”, after she stopped the issuing of free milk to primary school pupils, leading to the return of rickets.
Former Defence Secretary, Francis Pym, became irredeemably associated with the educationally subnormal while James Prior, on being announced as the new secretary of state for Northern Ireland was heard to mutter that he had been “landed in the mire, literally and metrically”.
For his part, John Gummer’s decision to oppose lowering the age of homosexual consent to 16 in 1994, did little to alleviate his own metrical affliction.
All are slowly disappearing into obscurity, with the exception of former foreign secretary Douglas Hurd, whose involuntary contribution to the genre was immortalised in an episode of “The Royle family” when fat flatulent family figurehead Jim Royle announces in typically frank, Scouse manner;
“I’ve got the turtle’s ‘ed, I’m off upstairs for a Douglas.”
