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Rochdale, UK

I’m nothing like Pope antichrist tells DUP

In an exclusive interview with The Rochdale Herald, the antichrist tells the DUP "I'm nothing like the Pope!" On a damp and surprisingly chilly June morning I travelled to my meeting with a certain sense...

Clean-shaven white van man obviously failed by mental health services

A clean-shaven, white man has been arrested outside a Mosque in Finsbury, London, after his van veered off the road and directly into eleven bearded brown men. Reports are sketchy currently, but using information pieced...
Jeremy Corbyn

Corbyn washes feet of the poor in Belgravia

Our saviour, JC, for it was he, seen on the streets of Belgravia. Blessed are the poor, the meek, and the lowly. For lo, their time has come. The many shall inherit the Kingdom United,...

Proof of God spotted in East Midlands

Huddersfield photographer Golcar Matt snapped a cloud in the shape of Great Britain, and meteorologists are debating its religious significance. “It is a clear sign of a Catholic God,” said Shinner McVeigh. “Just look at...
God

Jesus delays sermon on the mount after discussions with Pontius Pilate

A spokesman for Jesus has informed the Herald this evening that Mr Christ has had to delay the much anticipated sermon on the mount after an over run in talks with Pontius Pilate. The longer...

May announces plans to raise Titanic and rearrange deck chairs

Theresa May has announced plans to raise the Titanic and rearrange its deck chairs. "Operation Cabinet ReShuffle" is expected to start immediately. The Prime Minister has taken counsel with Arlene Foster, a specialist in maritime salvage...
Amazon Tribe

Jeremy Hunt worshipped as God of pestilence and disease by Amazonian Tribe

An offshoot of the Kawahiva people of the Amazon, only recently discovered, are revealed to be remarkably aware of Jeremy Hunt, the health secretary. "Our culture reveres the position of shaman - a wise man...

Rise in Radical Shintoism after Arms Sale to World’s Biggest Wasabi Exporter

Over-stretched police forces throughout the land responded in dismay yesterday to the news that Theresa May had agreed to license the sale of $5bn of high tech weaponry to Fukunaga Ltd, the world’s biggest...

ISIS claim responsibility for self-service checkouts

So called 'Islamic State'  have claimed responsibility for supermarket self service checkouts. A statement released by ISIS said they came up with the idea after witnessing a man have a melt down with a vending...
Brian

Corbyn confirmed as ‘not Messiah, but a very naughty boy’

In a shock revelation today, it has been confirmed that the Labour leader and General Election candidate Jeremy Corbyn is not in fact the Messiah, but instead is 'a very naughty boy.' The announcement came...
God

Man looking for God admits he would be easier to find if he knew...

A Rochdale man has today admitted that it would have been much easier to find God had he known what God looks like. Garry Bennett began his search 10 years ago after meeting a successful entrepreneur at...
Mike Pence

US replaces health insurance with crossed fingers, hoping and prayer

There has been a wave of concern regarding universal access to healthcare across the United States after Donald Trump, Mike Pence and the GOP officially repealed Obamacare this week. "We have hereditary birth defects in my family, and...
video

God bothering Stephen Fry to be stoned to death for blasphemy, the pure gobshite

Stephen Fry has been summoned to appear in the Irish Courts to face the charge of breaching the Irish Defamation Act. It comes after the Garda completed their investigation into alleged blasphemy during a 2015...
Ainsley Harriott

Ainsley Harriott kicked out of satanic death cult for using too much turmeric

Speaking privately to The Rochdale Herald’s Donna Bellievitti, Satanic cultist and alleged writer Lynda la Plante discussed his expulsion from the group. "Look it's simple innit, evwywon nose dat U use Susie Salt to draw...

Experts agree that Josh Widdicombe is not bigger than Jesus

Theologists now agree that diminutive Josh Widdicombe is not the Second Coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Speculation had run rife that, having been born of a well-known virgin, pint-sized Josh was almost certainly the...

Vicar attacked for dropping Easter from Easter Sunday

A 45 year-old Rochdale man is recovering in hospital today after being attacked for not referring to this coming Sunday as ‘Easter Sunday’. The victim, Rev. Roger Simpkins, was greeting a member of his congregation...

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