11 C
Rochdale, UK

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and Boris Johnson’s statistics

UK Statistics Authority have reaffirmed the old adage today that there are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and Boris Johnson’s use of statistics. Head of the watchdog Mr Norse Code is said to...

Firefighters summoned to giant pants fire after Boris repeats inflammatory £350M NHS claim

Firefighters were summoned to a giant pants fire this morning after Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson repeated his £350M NHS Brexit claim. The emergency services responded rapidly with numerous units, including ladders and axes and lots...

Prominent woman to feature on new £2 banknote nicknamed ‘Lost and found’ worth one...

The Bank of England announced this morning that Prime Minister Theresa May will feature on a new two pound banknote timed for release in April 2019. The banknote will be nicknamed ‘lost and found’ and...

Government reassures that Brexit talk delays are all part of the plan

Number 10 has today reassured the Rochdale Herald that everything is in good order and that they do, in fact, know what they are doing with Brexit. Our Number 10 insider told us “Our...

London sewer found clogged with dreams of the young after government flushes future down...

Sewer workers in the London area of Whitechapel have reportedly found the dreams of the young decomposing in a giant blockage in the system which leads all the way back to 10 Downing Street. It's...

Michael Gove says Brexit is “like a box of chocolates…”

The Brexit negotiations have been tentative, at best, with British MPs doing their darndest not to get absolutely battered in the process. Unfortunately, Britain’s representatives are of the current Tory government, who are famously...

Don’t vote for a chaotic Brexit, says cause of chaotic Brexit

Loose cannon David Davis describes the scattergun approach to Brexit as "regrettable". The strident anti-EU campaigner wants the UK to cut the European cord, wean itself off Brussels's teat and untie its apron strings. Linguistically-challenged...
Average Joe

I have no idea what’s going on, says Will of the People

The infamous Will of the People has finally been outed by Rochdale Herald researchers. His real name is Will Fallfrit, and he has opened his heart to the Herald. Will Fallfrit is a pleasant if...

Warnings issued magic mushroom Brexit brexitius causes hallucinations of £350M week for NHS

Health officials in the United Kingdom issued warnings today regarding the consumption of a new species of magic mushroom called ‘Brexit brexitius’ as consumers experience hallucinations of £350M a week going to the NHS. The...

Universities to charge £4K a year for fruit picking courses to prepare students for...

In proposals aimed to meet the agricultural sector’s labour needs post Brexit universities will be allowed to charge up to £4K a year for courses in fruit picking. The exciting change to higher education is...

Government immigration policy document wedged between windows described as strong and stable

The media was all over reports this morning that a strong and stable government policy document on immigration has become wedged between two windows and viewable by all, causing distress to many. It appears the...

Firefighters called to Downing St after woman stuck in windows retrieving solid policy document

Reports this morning out of Downing Street say firefighters were called last night after a woman became stuck between two windows attempting to retrieve a policy document. The woman has not been named, but an...

Barnier threatens UK leaflet drop to explain Brexit dangers Davis predicts boom days for...

EU chief negotiator Michel Barnier Monday warned that Brussels could take the unusual step of dropping leaflets explaining the dangers of the UK leaving the single market on all UK towns and cities if...

Senior Brexiter demands white York roses repainted Tudor rose for sake of national unity

A senior Brexiter has demanded that all of York’s white roses should be repainted as classic red and white Tudor roses for the sake of national unity. The call from the Lancastrian businessman comes as...
Old Graduate

University of life grads outraged over EU threats of further education

Graduates of the world famous British University of Life expressed their outrage this morning after top Eurocrat tyrant Mickie “the barb” Barnier threatened them with further education. “They are going to be stood at the...
David Davis

Brexit talks in crisis after Michel Barnier unfriends David Davis on Facebook

The UK's negotiations with the EU hit a stumbling block today, after it emerged that Michel Barnier has unfriended David Davis on Facebook. Brexit secretary Davis is said to be "absolutelyy fummin (sic)" that the...

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