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Rochdale, UK

McVitie’s and Walkers crisps back plans to decriminalise cannabis

Mcvities and Walkers crisps have allegedly got behind a backbench revolt to decriminalise cannabis. Plans are already being made to reclassify cannabis from a class B drug to a totally legal drug. A McVitie's spokesman,...
Bruce Forsyth

Bruce Forsyth ‘can’t wait’ to draw his pension

Following the news today that the government of the United Kingdom will shortly be raising the retirement age to 168 years old Bruce Forsyth has announced that he is excited to soon be old...

Tom Hanks hospitalized by Trump’s huge cucumber

Hollywood favourite Tom Hanks remains in a medically induced coma tonight, after an altercation with Donald Trump left him with severe injuries. The attack took place on The Late Late Show with James Cordon this...
Castle in woods

Icons of children’s entertainment to take refuge for the rest of 2017

Children’s authors, presenters and actors are seeking hiding places for the rest of 2017, the Rochdale Herald has learned. This year has seen, in very quick succession, the loss of many stars of children’s entertainment...

Gove cast as Tick-Tock in Rupert Murdoch’s adaption of ‘Peter Pan’

An all star cast is to appear in seasoned stage director Rupert Murdoch's new adaptation of the J. M. Barrie classic 'Peter Pan'. Michael Gove has been cast as Tick-Tock, Theresa May as Captain Hook...
Buzz Aldrin

Buzz Aldrin says not punching Trump is his greatest achievement

Buzz Aldrin has suprised many today by saying that his greatest achievement is not punching Donald Trump. Mr Aldrin attended an event where the President gave a rambling word salad of a speech. Mr Aldrin...

George Osborne admits he’s Banksy confessing “it was my first job”

Evening Standard Editor George Osborne is rightfully popular with recruitment specialists but few people are aware of his first job as famous, mysterious street artist Banksy. The Rochdale Herald’s crime correspondent spoke to Mr Osborne...

Prince Philip to reprise role in new Star Wars film

His Royal Highness to play part of Grand Moff Tarkin again in latest outing of sci-fi saga. Warning: contains spoilers Shooting began today for the latest instalment of the long running science fiction saga that has...
Paul Dacre

Is Daily Mail Editor Paul Dacre the most flaccid cockgoblin in the UK?

Unsubstantiated sources allege Dacre is comfortably the vilest hate-peddling shitweasel in the UK. Feel free to tell us if you disagree with these allegations. But we ask, who are we to question the conclusions? Consider...

Right wing extremist appears on Good Morning Britain to interview Tommy Robinson

Good Morning Britain producers made the controversial choice today of asking a divisive, opinionated, loud mouth to appear on their show. Piers Morgan was reportedly shocked by the request, as that's already his job. However,...
James blunt

James Blunt demands Knighthood after Ed Sheeran receives MBE

The news of Ed Sheeran’s accolade in the latest honours list has been greeted by mixed reactions. His fans have welcomed the news, but their grandparents have asked, “Who’s he then and what does he do?” See...
Ed Sheeran

Ed Sheeran receives MBE for services to blandness

Ed Sheeran was clearly chuffed to receive his MBE for services to blandness, remarking, "I really don't know what to say, but it's a great honour." Sheeran has had a string of hits, although even his...
God

Jesus delays sermon on the mount after discussions with Pontius Pilate

A spokesman for Jesus has informed the Herald this evening that Mr Christ has had to delay the much anticipated sermon on the mount after an over run in talks with Pontius Pilate. The longer...

Skeletor still ‘pretty buff’ for a skeleton

Men's Health Magazine today announced its annual Top Ten Fittest Male Celebs list with actor, recently elected DUP MP and self proclaimed evil overlord Skeletor peaking the chart in the coveted #1 position.   Bodybuilder Skeletor grew...

Big Bruva

Millions are in shock today after discovering that Big Brother is still a thing, whilst their fans are horrified that the utter numpties they are watching have been on other shows full of numpties. "I...

Trump receives three day Twitter ban for criticising Khan

President Trump had been slapped silent with a three day ban from Twitter. The reprimand is a result of Trump attempting to make political capital out of the terrorist atrocity in London Saturday last. He has...

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