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Rochdale, UK
refrigerator

Sales of refrigerators tumble due to British Gas price hike

This week brought the news that British Gas are set to raise their prices again, effecting millions of loyal customers. This move will likely see many poor and vulnerable homeowners left with difficult choices, as...
Pensioners

Pensioners with British Gas look forward to choosing between freezing and starving to death...

"My pension didn't cover the old price. In fact, the only reason I didn't freeze to death last year is because I was able to burn all the ‘late Payment’ notices that British Gas kept sending out"
Rubbing Hands Together

British Gas CEO insists he’s only rubbing his hands together to keep warm

The CEO of British Gas, Sir Mork Lodges, has advised today he’s only rubbing his hands together to keep warm. The statement comes on the day British Gas has announced a paltry 12.5% rise in...
Cathedral City

Cathedral City Cheddar not the best cheddar ‘just fucking unavoidable’ say consumers

According to consumers in Rochdale Cathedral City Cheddar is not the best cheddar, it’s just completely unavoidable. A survey of all of the fridges in the UK found at least one opened packet of Cathedral...

Five year old lemonade salesman found guilty of tax evasion after multi-million pound VAT...

A five year old girl has been found guilty at the Old Bailey of tax evasion after a multi-million pound VAT investigation. The girl, clearly already hell bent on a life of white collar crime,...
Angry Woman

Co-worker with ‘resting bitch-face’ actually really nice

We all fear change in Rochdale especially when we meet new people and feel the tension building as we force small talk. One local woman had those fears build into a living nightmare. Upon...
Bank entrance

Remain scaremongering smells likes truthmongering admits Mark Carney following sniff test

Mark Carney, Governor of the Bank of England, the place where they invent money, has admitted that remain campaigners accused of scaremongering may actually be truthmongering. The surprising intervention comes as new economic data strongly...
Electric Shock

Electric shock therapy recharges your batteries, says sadistic boss

The boss of a Rochdale mobile phone tech support company, Globally Integrated Mobile Phone Solutions, has been telling the Herald how electric shock therapy is helping recharge his workforce's batteries. Oli Chopper-Mystique, GIMPS director of...

Michael Gove themed garden gnomes to be stocked by Homebase

Domestic retail giant Homebase is rumoured to be about to bow to pressure from Michael Gove's employer, Rupert Murdoch, by stocking a series of garden gnomes with Gove's face. The loveable gnomes, to be nick-named...

Sun exposes Cable as Strawberry fool

Liberal democrat leadership candidate "SIR" Vince Cable has been left looking a plum strawberry fool after his claim that Britain was running out of strawberries because of a shortage of migrant fruit pickers was...

Mecca Bingo rebrands as Bethlehem Number Snap

Britain's biggest bingo operator Mecca Bingo is to be rebranded "Bethlehem Number Snap" following pressure from right wing political groups a spokesman for Mecca's parent company The Rank Group, told The Rochdale Herald's weekly...
Samantha Cameron

Austerity horror as Samantha Cameron admits to sending her cook to Aldi

Samantha Cameron has triggered an outpouring of concern this morning with the revelation that she has had to send cook to Aldi. And it gets worse. Rumour has it the self-employed mother has even started sewing...
Survivor

Last PPI claimant found alive and well

The last person who is yet to be investigated whether or not they were mis-sold PPI has been found, bewildered, but alive.  After years of searching by PPI claims companies the lone man, Nigel Colinson,...
Corbyn Elbow Patches

Scandal as Corbyn in the pocket of big elbow-patch manufacturing

Labour leader and beardy weirdy Jeremy Corbyn is facing a scandal this evening. It has been uncovered by the Herald that Corbyn has been receiving undeclared payments from a shell company that make the elbow-patches...

Diane Abbott quits shadow cabinet to be the new face of Soul Glo

Diane Abbott has shocked the nation by resigning from the shadow cabinet days before election week in order to be the new face of Soul Glo! Nile Rodgers, best known for his musical work with daft...
Court

Ginsters Sue Ginsters over Ginsters Name

It has emerged that pastry-based, snack purveyors Ginsters have taken to the courts. They aim to prevent a social movement off-shoot from adopting their mouthwatering name. The 'Ginsters' are essentially part of the Hipster movement....

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