12.3 C
Rochdale, UK
Kuenssberg

Laura Kuenssberg is a parrot confirm scientists analysing Twitter

The BBC’s most insightful political journalist has been discovered to be a species of parrot and awarded a delightful new name today by natural historians. Avian studies experts from the Rochdale Museum of Modern Natural...

Lib Dems form armed wing in desperate bid to remain relevant

The Liberal Democrats have announced the creation of an ‘armed wing’ in what commentators are interpreting as a last ditch attempt to have some impact on British politics. The announcement was made by three masked...

Met Office advise all future storms named Storm Boris until May gets the balls...

The Met Office has released a statement this lunch time advising that all storms to hit the United Kingdom this winter will be named Storm Boris until Theresa May gets the balls to sack...
Ryanair

Ryanair admit their trial of pilotless planes hasn’t gone exactly as planned

Ryanair have admitted that their latest cost-cutting measure, planes without pilots, has not been a complete success. The airline, famed for its no-frills stance, with optional extras generally costing more than the actual ticket, had...
Toys R Us

Toys ‘R’ Us to rebrand as Sex Toys ‘R’ Us to avoid looming bankruptcy

The giant toy retailer has recently filed for bankruptcy protection in the US and Cananda after massive losses to rivals such as Amazon and other online competetitors. Toy sales have been on a downward...

Angry Bake Off viewers demand Noel Fielding ‘get back in the effing fridge’

Ofcom enquiry expected after record complaints pour in for presenter's poor taste antics. Following the record number of complaints received concerning last week's episode of The Great British Bake Off, which featured a segment where...

Big penis denies any link to Romelu Lukaku

A big penis has spoken out today to deny any attachment to Manchester United striker Romelu Lukaku. Speaking to reporters outside his home address, the massive cock sought to distance himself from non-white people in...
Forcados

Bloke paid to piss off bull killed by pissed off bull

A bloke whose job it was to piss off two tonne bulls managed to piss off a two tonne bull to the extent that it squashed him in Lisbon earlier today. Fernando Quintela, 26, got...

Boris Johnson Sits In With Infant School Maths Class, Answers 350 Million To Every...

Boris Johnson seems to have a one-track mind when it comes to numbers. While visiting an infants’ school in Rochdale, he sat in on a few classes. When a maths lesson was announced, the children...

Time Team special feature digging for past evidence of honesty in British politics

Tony Robinson is expected to take to Twitter this evening to announce an upcoming ‘Time Team’ special feature in which he and the gang will dig up great swathes of the countryside searching for...

Theresa May unable to un-grit her teeth after assuring Boris that he can keep...

Number 10 have confirmed today that Theresa May’s teeth are well and truly gritted and not coming unstuck anytime soon. Whilst seen as a potential aid to her speech in Florence on Thursday based on...
Cat licking

Cat that will only eat one type of food still happy to lick its...

Your cat has confirmed that despite only being willing to eat one specific type of food, it is still more than happy to lick its own anus. Speaking to reporters earlier today, the furry little...

Statistics confirm three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies and Boris Johnson’s statistics

UK Statistics Authority have reaffirmed the old adage today that there are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and Boris Johnson’s use of statistics. Head of the watchdog Mr Norse Code is said to...

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and Boris Johnson’s statistics

UK Statistics Authority have reaffirmed the old adage today that there are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and Boris Johnson’s use of statistics. Head of the watchdog Mr Norse Code is said to...

Miley Cyrus to sue Boris Johnson for £350M over unauthorised cover of “Wrecking Ball”

The worlds of entertainment and politics appear to have combined this morning with the speculation that pop superstar Miley Cyrus is expected to sue professional mop head Boris Johnson over his unauthorised cover of...

Channel 4 GBBO winner to bake Noel Fielding into space cake and consume him

Television pundits were going mad this afternoon with the leaked news that the finale of Great British Bake Off on Channel 4 features the winner of the competition baking Noel Fielding into a space...

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