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Big Ben EU UK

Theresa May says Britain and Europe should come together as if in some sort...

Theresa May has been further outlining her vision for Brexit. The Prime Minister was speaking to journalists on her way home from Florence. She told us, "What I see is a red, white and blue...
Florence

Theresa May to prove in Florence it’s not just British people who don’t listen...

The British Prime Minister is today at the EU Summit in Florence to give a landmark speech to a 4,000 seat amphitheatre containing one homeless man and a stray dog. The long-awaited key speech, in...

Southern Rail passengers treated for nausea after train unexpectedly moves

Reports from south London this afternoon state there was a dramatic and disturbing experience for dozens of Southern passengers when their train actually moved. The incident has been described by rail transport experts as unprecedented...
Ryanair

Ryanair trials passengerless planes

Following the success of Google's driverless car experiments, Ryanair CEO Michael O'Leary has announced plans to shift the entire airline to passengerless planes. O'Leary said that the plan would maximise profits, as tickets would continue...

Boris Johnson shocked to discover British Empire no longer contains Canada

Foreign Office officials have confirmed that Boris Johnson has finally accepted that the British Empire no longer contains Canada, more than a year after he was first appointed Foreign Secretary. Speaking on condition of anonymity...
Kuenssberg

Twitter scientists confirm discovery of human parrot hybrid that only speaks Tory

The BBC’s most insightful political journalist has been discovered to be a species of parrot and awarded a delightful new name today by natural historians. Avian studies experts from the Rochdale Museum of Modern Natural...

Boris Johnson shocked to discover British Empire no longer exists

Foreign Office officials have confirmed that Boris Johnson has finally accepted that the British Empire no longer exists, more than a year after he was first appointed Foreign Secretary. Speaking on condition of anonymity a...

EU to offer May reproduction of Munch’s The Scream to hang in 10 Downing...

The woman who believes she is British Prime Minister is to travel to Florence tomorrow to give a one date stand up performance in front of the leaders of the European Union and select...
Kuenssberg

Laura Kuenssberg is a parrot confirm scientists analysing Twitter

The BBC’s most insightful political journalist has been discovered to be a species of parrot and awarded a delightful new name today by natural historians. Avian studies experts from the Rochdale Museum of Modern Natural...

Lib Dems form armed wing in desperate bid to remain relevant

The Liberal Democrats have announced the creation of an ‘armed wing’ in what commentators are interpreting as a last ditch attempt to have some impact on British politics. The announcement was made by three masked...

Met Office advise all future storms named Storm Boris until May gets the balls...

The Met Office has released a statement this lunch time advising that all storms to hit the United Kingdom this winter will be named Storm Boris until Theresa May gets the balls to sack...
Ryanair

Ryanair admit their trial of pilotless planes hasn’t gone exactly as planned

Ryanair have admitted that their latest cost-cutting measure, planes without pilots, has not been a complete success. The airline, famed for its no-frills stance, with optional extras generally costing more than the actual ticket, had...
Toys R Us

Toys ‘R’ Us to rebrand as Sex Toys ‘R’ Us to avoid looming bankruptcy

The giant toy retailer has recently filed for bankruptcy protection in the US and Cananda after massive losses to rivals such as Amazon and other online competetitors. Toy sales have been on a downward...

Angry Bake Off viewers demand Noel Fielding ‘get back in the effing fridge’

Ofcom enquiry expected after record complaints pour in for presenter's poor taste antics. Following the record number of complaints received concerning last week's episode of The Great British Bake Off, which featured a segment where...

Big penis denies any link to Romelu Lukaku

A big penis has spoken out today to deny any attachment to Manchester United striker Romelu Lukaku. Speaking to reporters outside his home address, the massive cock sought to distance himself from non-white people in...
Forcados

Bloke paid to piss off bull killed by pissed off bull

A bloke whose job it was to piss off two tonne bulls managed to piss off a two tonne bull to the extent that it squashed him in Lisbon earlier today. Fernando Quintela, 26, got...

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