Rupert Murdoch’s heart starts beating for the first time in 20 years. It scared the 350-year-old man so much he almost fell into his swimming pool filled with money.

For the first time in 20 years, Rupert Murdoch felt something. That something was not joy or whatever the opposite of being a racist is. It was a feeling he once had before. A feeling most humans experience every day.  The feeling Murdoch felt, was a heartbeat.

Most normal humans experience tens of thousands of heartbeats a day. The Founder of Fox News found himself experiencing one over the weekend. This sudden jolt in his chest cavity scared Rupert so much. He almost fell into his Scrooge McDuck style money pool. Lucky for him though, he employs around the clock team of nurses. To ensure his corpse stays fresh and presentable. 

Rupert Murdoch’s heart is rumored to have stopped beating around the turn of the 20th century. It is natural for people that old to no longer have a heartbeat. Many around the world were surprised to hear Murdoch had a heart. It is widely known he does not have a soul. The CEO is known for being racist, unethical and generally cruel.

There is no word on what Rupert Murdoch plans to do with his newfound heart thump.  Many suspect he will continue to influence political activity around the world. With his various nefarious news outlets.

All updates on Voldemort aka Rupert Murdoch health will be found here.