White House sources reveal alleged serial sex offender, proven serial failed businessman and currently failing POTUS Donald J Trump has called for the head of Dow Jones.
“Just who the hell does this Jones think he is? Who set this up? Was it those guys at the FBI? Mueller? Or that prick Bannon? You’re not telling me he’s related to Grace Jones and is one of ‘them’?”
For much of his Presidency, Trump has claimed this boom period was all down to his excellent leadership and nothing to do with conditions created under Obama.
Now, in a White House press briefing, the administration has sought to distance itself from the plummeting Dow. A spokeswoman asserted “Dow Jones was just a low level campaign volunteer with no real access. The President has never met Dow Jones.”
However, our sources reveal that the Donald is privately apoplectic at what he considers a betrayal by one of his inner circle. Jones has failed him right at the point Trump wanted to claim his tax cuts have impacted the market.
It’s possible this link could still be made with multiple US companies admitting they have used the tax cut windfall to pay for redundancy rounds, but in the meantime Trump wants Jones’ head on a spike. Preferably a quick upward spike, so he can claim the US stock market is just being sexy and volatile like those amazing cryptocurrencies that are definitely not bullshit.
“Find me Jones, so I can tell him he fixes this today or he’s fired.”
Whilst critics may say Trump pegging his fortunes to the Dow Jones was rash, experts remind us that putting his inherited wealth in a Dow Jones tracker fund would have outperformed his incompetent businesses.
