Henry VIII is reportedly looking for a head to chop off after receiving the news that no suitable virgin princesses have applied to be part of the next season of “Sovereign needs a wife”.

Weaving of the next series is set to begin in the autumn of 1539, the winner to be announced early January 1540, but production is unlikely if at least one high born and pure princess can not be persuaded to apply to marry England’s sovereign.

The production company responsible for the show, ‘T C and all’s well’, are said to be frantically commissioning portraits of any teenage Christian girl in Europe who might conceivably consider marrying England for the furthering of her family’s ambitions.

Anyone taking part in the production will need to be tolerant of mood swings, fertile and willing to bathe a ferocious ulcer as part of day to day life. Free of infectious diseases is also required, as contracting them from Henry will be seen as proof of fidelity.

We spoke to Mr Hans Holbein (the younger) for an insight into the unfolding drama.

“Word has gotten out.” He told us. “After the fate of Henry’s previous wives no one wants to get involved. You’ve a choice between execution, death in terrified isolation or death in childbirth. It’s not exactly a tempting prize, even if you do get to marry a European sovereign and be queen of an up and coming country off the coast of the continent for a short time.”

Thomas Cromwell, head of production at T C, has reportedly caused part of the problem by disallowing any Catholic girls from applying.

“Thomas has really put his neck on the line.” Holbein revealed.

“Literally. He’s made a few enemies over the years as he’s taken his company from a venture capital funded start up to where it is today. But if he can’t convince someone to feature then I don’t see him getting the plum job again. He’s told me to find someone anti papist and unsullied, paint her up as virginal and ripe for plunder and just get on with it. It would be helpful if I could include Spanish or French girls. This is not an inclusive process. I feel stymied.”

It’s hoped whoever is chosen for the show, as someone has to be, will be perfectly happy to have an old man with a massive wound on his leg lording it over her.

Get monthly highlights in your inbox

1 COMMENT