A study of mobility scooter battery life has shown that a Brexiteer led civil war would last 9 hours. 6 if the battles were waged on a 1:8 gradient hill.
Military expert, Sir Peter Tatter-Smythe-Douglas said, “The demographics of the Brexit army tell us that any civil war would require a large army of mobility scooters. Where Rommel relied on his tank army, Brexiteers will rely on fleets of mobility scooters.
As such, the best tactic would be for remainer forces to retreat up hills or flights of stairs. After a few hours the charge in the majority of scooters will mean that most Berxiteers will need to find a supermarket or somewhere with a charging point.”
Tatter-Smythe-Douglas also said, “Many of the Brexiteers forces will be made up of people whose only claim to military prowess is watching Band of Brothers repeatedly and making up their own war stories for battles they were too young to have fought in. This will make them a bit naive tactically.
Another strategy the Remainer armies could use is Brexiteers inability to understand the metric system. Many of them supposedly had superior 1950’s and 60’s education. This somehow means they’re incapable of doing simple conversions. As such I suggest giving all measurements in metric. They’ll spend so long discussing why the metric system is a plot to destroy Britain. Meanwhile the remainers will be safely 500 meters up a hill.
Also, giving orders in Spanish will confuse many of the Brexiteers. They’ll be unable to understand a word.”
It’s understood that many Brexiteers are overweight as they only eat traditional British stodgy food and believe beer has isotonic properties. They also dismiss advice on regular exercise as being an EUSSR conspiracy by so called experts.
John Bull 40, told us, “Remoaners should be shot as traitors. In fact, when the civil war starts I’ll do the shooting from my specially adapted scooter.
I’ve got weak joints. It’s a genetic condition and nothing at all to do with me weighing 4000 kg. That’s why I was invalided out of the Para’s after the Falklands.”
