Written off as a hopeless loser, terrorist supporter and left-wing extremist at the start of last week’s general election campaign, Jeremy Corbyn has risen like a phoenix from the ashes of his early days of the Labour Party leadership. And he likes it.
“I can’t believe how many years I have wasted as a rebel on the back benches standing by my principles and being honest about my beliefs and getting nowhere near to actually having any actual power,” said the Labour Party’s newly invigorated leader.
“This election experience has changed me and taught me some hard truths. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” he said with a twinkle in his eye.
“I want the power to change people’s lives for the better. That is unchanged. But I am never going to do it as leader of the Labour Party am I? And for that reason I am going to cross the floor of the House of Commons and offer myself up as a leadership candidate for The Conservative Party,” he said.
Mr Corbyn said that if it meant telling a few more “white lies” like the ones he used in his relatively successful campaign to save Labour from annihilation, then so be it.
“I will support shoot to kill, I will use nuclear weapons if provoked, I will let the bloody rich keep their money if it means I can get hold of the levers of power,” he said.
“Let’s face the facts, Theresa May was a shoe in at the start of the election campaign and she blew it. All I did was put on a sharp suit, smile a lot and make outrageous promises and I increased Labour’s share of the vote by ten percent,” said the soon to be ex-Labour leader.
” The Tories could be in power forever if I took that ten percent across the floor with me.”
Asked if he could ditch some of his more extreme left-wing ideologies like nationalising tractor factories, sending his political enemies to work in salt mines and seemingly unlimited government spending, he said the election had taught him to be flexible.
“If the Prime Minister is flexible enough to dump austerity already, then maybe I can be enough of a man to re-examine my core principals and adapt. After all I am the man who shagged Diane Abbott senseless.”
