The death toll as a result of the “killer clown” craze sweeping the nation remains at a flat zero, The Rochdale Herald can report.

In a recent spate of events, which has seen hundreds of “killer” clowns across the nation scaring the shit out of members of the public for a few likes and shares on the internet, the number of civilians killed remains disappointingly low.

“It’s shocking!” said one passer-by who didn’t have the sense to take a wide berth when we walked towards him with a dictaphone. “I had 98 episodes of the A Team not killing anyone during the 80’s and now this shit?” he yelled. “It’s an outrage! The Bank of England interest rate is higher!”

The spate of attacks around the country have been condemned by BBC’s resident paedo, Mr Tumble, who is currently in hiding until the whole thing blows over, whereas Krusty the clown from The Simpsons and Pennywise from Stephen King’s book, It, both refused to comment.

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