John Ewing, who runs a café in a southeast suburb of Melbourne, was a participant in the recent poll that found 49 per cent of Australians support a ban on Muslim immigration.

60 percent of those polled were Coalition voters, 40 percent Labour and 34 percent Greens.

“I just don’t get it,” said John, while recovering in his room in a private hospital. “I’ve always been a Labour voter and a supporter of everyone’s right to a fair go.

“Except Muslims. They just don’t fit in with Australian values. Just ask my staff what kind of man I am. They get paid twenty-five cents per hour over the award rate, when I could just as easily hire a few illegals for around five bucks an hour.”

Mrs Mary Dirthworth from Armadale said she’s always voted Conservative: “That doesn’t mean I’m a bigot.These days everyone labels you that just because you don’t want Muslim terrorists coming here. I mean, they’re all barbaric; certainly not Christian like us, are they?”

Craig Wotton from Glen Waverley said his family has always been staunch Labour supporters: “I’m not a racist, but” said Craig, “I do agree with Labour’s Stop the Boats policy which is identical to the government’s Stop the Boat policy. I mean, if both sides of Parliament tell us they’re saving lives and preventing us from being swamped by Muslims, it must be true, mustn’t it?”

Melinda Sutton from Sunbury said that she supports the Greens Environmental Policy: “Well, you have to, don’t you? Climate change is a very important issue. However, adding more illegals, I mean refugees, to the population is just going to double the need for plastic bags and light bulbs, isn’t it?

“When I’m in the supermarket, I’ve noticed that Muslims use far more plastic bags than Australians, so we need to stop any further immigration if we want to save the planet.”


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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.