In an unprecedented change of heart, the adviser who recommended to ex-Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, that she resume offshore processing, has now declared it should be abandoned. 

Paris Aristotle, ironically sharing the name as the Ancient Greek philosopher, declared that asylum seekers should be brought to Australia before any more “kill themselves.” Perhaps Mr Aristotle has been reading some of the works of his namesake who believed, amongst other things, that humans are rational beings who need to flourish.

The Rochdale Herald sent their Australian correspondent, Lauren Pokes, to find out what caused Mr Aristotle’s sudden turnaround. Lauren filed this report from their interview earlier today.

“Mr Aristotle, what exactly prompted this about-face? Is it due to the fact that the policy that you recommended has caused such devastation and ongoing misery to those seeking our help?”

“Certainly not, Lauren. It’s just that there have been too many of these dodgy bastards like Omid Masoumali publicly dousing themselves in petrol and setting themselves alight. Not to mention, detainees being raped by guards, children being tortured and abused and now with all these do-gooders spilling their guts, I’m looking like the bad guy.”


“But surely, this fifteen year policy can’t go on, even though it’s been a popular election strategy with both sides of government.”

“First of all, Lauren, don’t ever call me Shirley. Last person who tried that got a black eye, but I’ll let it slide just this once. Secondly, we’ve always relied on the fact that 30% of Australians are casual racists and the rest are full-time. However, at the moment there’s way too much chitter-chatter going on and you know what they say, ‘Loose lips sink ships’”.

“Did you decide after all these years that your role as Executive Director of the Victorian Foundation for Survivors of Torture, was incongruous with the policy of offshore detention?”

“Not at all. It’s just that if one day these invaders are released into the Australian community – God forbid – and I have to deal with the aftermath of their torture claims, they might wrongly suspect me of being a hypocrite.”

“So you’re not serious about asylum seekers being resettled in Australia in the long term?” 

“Look, Lauren, you’re starting to sound like one of those do-gooder types and I’m late for a meeting. Immigration Minister Dutton and myself are looking at other alternatives where these boat people can be dumped, er resettled.” 

“Thank you for your time.”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.