Scandal has rocked the Catholic Church this week (I know, shocker) after it emerged that trainee priests have been accused of using Grindr, the gay dating and hookup app. Whilst this would be a perfectly normal thing for regular gay guys to do, it has obviously raised a few nicely shaped eyebrows in the massively homophobic and hypocritical Catholic Church.

According to Archbishop of Dublin, Dr Diarmuid Martin, there has been an “unhealthy, really quite bitchy atmosphere” following allegations of a fiercely fabulous “gay culture” within the walls of the 221 year old seminary of St Patrick’s College and Swingers Club in Maynooth, Co Kildare.

Dr Martin, the most senior Catholic cleric south of the border (nudge nudge, wink wink) has now decided to punish the priests in question by giving them a vigorous spanking before sending them to Rome to receive their instruction there instead.

Pope Francis, resplendent in a crisp white ballgown, complimented by a chunky jewel encrusted crucifix said;

“The presence of gay people, families and especially the presence of women in priestly formation, promotes an appreciation of the diversity and complementarity of the different vocations in the Church.”

He later added “Sorry, sorry, I meant lay people, not gay people. Freudian much?! And when I talk about diversity, I obvs don’t mean the gays. They’re gonna burn, the filthy unnatural monsters!”

It’s ironic that an institution such as the Catholic church, with it’s long and monstrous history of buggering vulnerable children, would see fit to pass judgement on anything, let alone a consenting relationship between adults.

“Abusing a position of trust and leaving a trail of broken children in your wake is one thing” said Father Neil Down, casually brushing the tears of yet another abused young boy from his lap “but two men having a bit of a kiss and a cuddle? Fuck off.”

Rumors of a new app called Fiddlr, where clergy are matched with vulnerable and trusting altarboys, are as yet unfounded.

“I do like The Pope” said retired Rochdale priest, Father Drew Peacock ‘but he’s a Show Queen, and I’m more into Twinks.’