Campaigners, MPs and health experts were outraged today after it was revealed that the government’s long awaited plans to combat childhood obesity don’t come close to taking away responsibility from parents.

In a bold move, the government has decided instead to suggest to food and drinks industry giants that they try to meet a voluntary target to cut sugar levels in tasty food and drinks popular with fat kids.

“Erm, we’ll pass thanks” chortled Muhtar Kent, CEO of super tasty Coca Cola. “We make a shit-tonne of money selling Coke. Why would we jeopardize that? Duh!”

Mr. Kent enjoying a delicious ice cold Coke
It has also been proposed that primary schools should do more to encourage kids to run around and stuff, and that those same schools should then work to ensure that kids do as much running around and stuff at home.

“I work almost 6 hours a day; I can’t be expected to waste my free time playing with my kids” gushed Rochdale mother of 7 Tracy Goer. “Can’t someone else just accept responsibility?”

And in a move that makes little to no sense, school sports will also receive more funding paid for by a tax levied on sugary drinks.

A fat child
“The plan is to have less sugary drinks on the market, and to increase sports participation in schools” gasped an overweight and quite visibly sweaty government spokesman. “That’ll be paid for by the tax on fizzy drinks, so hopefully those sales will continue to grow. Oh, hang on a minute…”

Jamie Oliver and Dr. Hilary Jones also had opinions on the matter.