A Rochdale couple were left red faced after they invited “that nice telly cook” to come and help them with their failing restaurant ‘The Golden Roach’ on Whitworth Road. 

“We thought that naked boy with the big tongue was coming” said Eileen Dawson when speaking of her confusion between Gordon Ramsay and Jamie Oliver. Her husband Geoff interjected “Yeah, we thought it was that bloke off Jamie and Johnny’s farm or whatever the f**k it’s called but it was that shouty c**t with a face like a road map what turned up. If I’d of known it was him I’d have tidied up”.

Ramsay arrived in May to commence filming on his New Kitchen Nightmares TV series, his first to be filmed in the UK for over a decade, but instead of helping Eileen and Geoff the whole saga resulted in the permanent closure of their now infamous resturant and since his visit the series has also been cancelled and the episode will no longer air. 

“We’re fuming” Eileen insisted before pouring us all some more Lambrini, the last bottle of alcohol left in this dimly lit bar. “It’s not even just the closure, I really wanted to be on the telly, didn’t I Geoff”?

The resturant had been suffering for decades “We had our last stag do in March” Geoff rasps as he rolls another ciggerette, “1982. Since then it’s mostly swingers as we’ve a function room upstairs and you know, me and Eileen are a bit partial to….” he looks towards Eileen who gulps, wryly smiles and says “functions”. 

I quickly change the subject by asking Geoff what happened when Ramsey arrived “Well he’s just a sweary c**t isn’t he? Walking around with his f**king this and his f**king that and his you can’t keep rotting chicken on the floor b*****s. I’d had enough, he was just moaning about everything so I nutted the p***k”. 

The assault, which was caught on camera, earned Geoff a suspended sentence and things have gone from bad to worse as the negative press has pushed the business to the brink. A spokesman for Ramsay declined to comment.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.