Our source from Eurasian think tank Ata Matters informed us that the Etonian fop masterminded the attempted takeover after his coup d’etat of the UK was scuppered by reptilian Pob-alike, Michael Gove.

“Boris believes he’s supposed to be king of somewhere and doesn’t really care where,” Mustpha Bighun, the think tank’s Oldham based spokesman told the Herald, “and obviously incompetence doesn’t seem to have been that big a hindrance so far. He thinks his Turkish roots make him eligible for rule.”

A video of Johnson was uploaded to YouTube last night and quickly deleted when the coup went tit up. In it Johnson said:

“Ah. Yes. Right. Is this on? Good, good. I am Grand Mufti Al Boris Johnson and I have jolly well had enough of this Ankara wankerer Cardigan. Gosh, what a piffling pile of pishposh h i! It’s about time you, my people of Turkey- do you know I love kebabs? I really do. Honestly , I adore them. Utterly fabulous invention: well done. Hummus too!There’s this little brown fellow near Camden called Asif and he does the best gyros and donner mix… Anyway, my proud and great people of Turkey, who can no doubt can see just how bally well like old Ataturk I am, will be relieved to discover that I have disposed of that greasy Islamist Cardigan bloke and will be there tomorrow to claim my country. Which is super. I think you’ll allagree this is jolly well brilliant and exciting. Excellent stuff. Absolutely top badger.”

Mr Johnson was not available for comment this morning.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.