Devil worshippers across Rochdale reacted angrily this afternoon to news that one of their most popular practices is to be banned under incoming government legislation.
One of Theresa May’s first acts as Prime Minister will be, surprisingly, to prohibit human and animal sacrifices intended to appease our Dark Lord. It is believed that the kitten-heeled necromancer will still allow such ceremonies within the confines of Number 10 and specific areas of Conservative Party headquarters, but the general public will no longer be permitted to carry out blood rituals, even on licensed premises.
A Westminster insider allegedly claimed, ‘if Leadsom had got the top job she would have made this type of practice compulsory for all but, as it is, we’ve got this May-niac in charge who wants to keep all the good stuff for herself and her new cabinet’. Our source refused to comment further for fear of deadly reprisals.
Satanic Grand Master of Rochdale, Malaclypse Sheldrake, stated ‘once again we see the true nature of so-called compassionate conservatism. It’s one rule for the wealthy elite and another for the average man on the street. We’ve been slaughtering humans, goats and cattle in this fine city since time immemorial, we shouldn’t have to roll over and accept this from a woman who can’t even give birth’.
Local Labour MP, Simon Danczuk, is reported to have spoken out about the financial strain this will put on Rochdale’s numerous orphanages, claiming ‘for the last six years, whenever these establishments got above a certain number of children, they’d just hand ten or so over to the Satanists – job done. What will they do now? They’ll literally be bursting at the seams and further Tory cuts mean there is no provision to take care of these poor kids’.
The new law is expected to be pushed through before August with a three-line whip, meaning any Conservative Minister voting against it could face the sack, or something much, much worse…
How do you feel about being stripped of the right to offer up blood to Satan? Let us know in the comments below.