Children’s book publishers are furious at the decision by the United Kingdom government today to change the text of Carlo Collodi’s classic children’s tale Pinocchio.

The story, known all over the west, tells the tale of a lonely puppeteer who creates for himself a wooden son. The son magically comes to life and a loving relationship is born.

Problems arise because when the youngster tells a lie, his nose grows longer. And this is the part the government have decided is in need of a change.


“We’ve decided that the language is out-dated and needs changing to something that everybody can understand,” said Literature Secretary Rita Buck, “The story is a great one and will obviously remain unchanged but a few words here and there have to be tweaked.”

In editions of books printed from today, the story will say that Pinocchio’s nose grows when he says things that are “presented with a certainty that isn’t justified.”

Disney will be required to redub their classic animated movie to reflect the changes at a cost of several million pounds- or a few thousand Euros.

“I was just reading about the Chilcot Report in the Afterlife Gazette,” said founder Walt Disney, “when I heard on the radio that they were changing my film! The bloody buggers! That’ll cost my company a shitload, that will!”

“Oh piffle, “said Mrs Buck, “Lie is such an archaic word!”

Other changes announced by the government today include:

The film Liar Liar to be retitled Presenter Of Things With A Certainty That Isn’t Justified, Presenter Of Things With A Certainty That Isn’t Justified;
Fleetwood Mac’s classic to be renamed Tell Me Things With A Certainty That isn’t Justified;
Ricky Gervais showcase The Invention Of Lying will now be referred to as The Invention Of Presenting Things With A Certainty That isn’t Justified;
BBC light entertainment schedule filler Would I Lie To You relaunched as Would I Present Things To You With A Certainty That isn’t Justified;

SHARE
Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.