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Chris Evans to host new BBC bake off show

Red headed billionaire Christopher Evans has been confirmed as the new host of the Beeb's brand new baking show designed to take the place of their previous smash hit since losing the rights to...

Special place in hell for people who put kisses on Facebook comments 

An ancient Biblical commandment that has been left out of Bibles and Torah for thousands of years has finally been translated.  Archeolinguist Barry Wordsworth told us: "Thescroll has been resisting translation throughout history because it...

Government takes time off from covering up child abuse to tell people what kind...

The UK Government has taken time off from failing the victims of institutional child abuse and covering the tracks of high profile paedophiles to tell people what kind of pornography they're allowed to watch.

UKIP Chairman claims “to play the piano in a whorehouse” on dating website

The Chairman of UKIP has been caught red faced after lying about his occupation on a dating site. Paul Oakden claimed to "play a piano in a whorehouse" rather than admit to his role in...

Amateur Orthopaedic Surgeon not as good as expert – concedes Brexit voter sick of...

Following months of "expert fatigue" the British public may now be prepared to start listening to people who know what they're fucking talking about. Following last months decision to leave the EU by the British...

Racist lobotomised prick likes Katie Hopkins

The brown skin hating half brained bigot, Katie Hopkins, has an unfathomably large following since she started peddling bile for The Sun toilet paper. Keith Carlito, an unemployed 24 stone Britain First member said; "A...

Piers Morgan behaves like a d**k on Twitter, again

Piers Morgan has taken to Twitter to characteristically behave like an utter tit today. Morgan, whose only physical accomplishment of note was to fall off a Segway and break two ribs shortly after saying "you'd...

Flying Arse Crashes Nose First

The longest aircraft in the world- the Airlander 10, nicknamed the flying bum- has crash landed in a field in Bedfordshire on it’s second test flight.  “It was flippin’ hilarious!,” said Adrian Piggs, an eye...

Have you tried turning Trump off and on again…

Technicians were called out this week to reboot Donald Trump, after a catastrophic failure in his programming left him arguing with his own reflection. The call was made on Friday morning, after an aide who...

ITV 4 cast Nigel Farage in remake of Minder

ITV 4 today confirmed the shock move which will see the return of much loved show Minder and the even greater shock that ex-UKIP leader and MEP Nigel Farage will be cast as the...

Not enough young gay men commit suicide say arseholes in Anglican Synod

The utterly irrelevant small minded patronising pricks, bitches and utter arseholes in the Anglican Synod have said that not enough vulnerable young men kill themselves every year.

Aleppo considered for prestigious Halloween award

Officials have been visiting Aleppo this week, as judging continues of the cities on the shortlist for the much coveted Vincent Price Spirit of Halloween award. The competition, which was started by legend of horror...

Sun Readers outraged 1,500 dogs kept in conditions ‘not fit for refugee children’

Sun readers are up in arms today after 1,500 dogs were found in France being kept in truly atrocious conditions which one reader describes as "not even fit for refugee children." The dogs, which are...

Man on cocaine has best idea ever

Barry Inferness, a 34 year old brick layer from Scotland made the discovery at a house party in Smallbridge last week; "A just thought, yer know. What if they made spicy Mars bars? It'd be...

Flag waving celebration of mythical empire shouldn’t be ruined by cheap politics

The Last Night at the Proms, an event where ex public school toffs wave the Union Flag in celebration of a completely made up version of history, is being hijacked by cheap politics says...

I wish it could be Brexit everyday

When the pounds begins to fall and economic growth begins to stall It puts a great big smile on a remainer’s face If you dive into despair And want to cover up your head Don't you lock...

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