12.4 C
Rochdale, UK

One in the eye for Tories as Rudd loses Hastings seat

Amber Rudd tonight accepted a role as full-time spokesperson for Theresa May. The Herald asked Amber what caused her seat to turn Red, and she advised: “In my capacity as Shadow Prime Minister, I was quite...

Rise in Radical Shintoism after Arms Sale to World’s Biggest Wasabi Exporter

Over-stretched police forces throughout the land responded in dismay yesterday to the news that Theresa May had agreed to license the sale of $5bn of high tech weaponry to Fukunaga Ltd, the world’s biggest...

Corbyn to star in Snatch sequel as Brad Pitt not mad enough

Amateur street fighter and leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy 'The Knitter' Corbyn, has been cast as Mickey O'Neil in the sequel to Guy Ritchie's smash hit "Snatch". The sequel will be called "Snatch...

British Meteorologists Celebrate Declaration of Summer 2017

British meteorologists are celebrating today after deciding Friday the 2nd June was summer for 2017. “Summer 2017 happened on the 2nd June.” Dr Julian Fabsynth informed the Herald via a scrambled line yesterday. "Yesterday was...

Frankie Boyle Taken Into Custody Because Of Donald Trump

Scottish social commentator and insult auteur Frankie Boyle has been taken into custody under legislation usually reserved for times of war. The government has taken this extraordinary measure in order to force production of expletives as reserves...

May Caught Putting Rudd Into Wheelie Bin

Theresa May has been caught on CCTV putting Amber Rudd into a wheelie bin. The fraca occurred shortly after the televised leaders debate. Although it wasn’t a total leader’s debate as Ms "Strong and Stable" May sent...

Trump University launches alternative science course

Donald Trump has announced the launch of a new science course that will be taught at Trump University from September. The course will feature subject matter not covered in more traditional science courses and will be aimed...
Tim Farron

PG tips bribery scandal uncovered as Tim Farron makes ‘put the kettle on’ jibe

In the wake of the Leaders debate on the BBC, it has been alleged that lib dem leader Tim Farron was paid a substantial amount by PG Tips to make his closing remark. Farron took the opportunity...

May Presented With Mirror After Body Shaming Corbyn

Know Thyself, a charity dedicated to helping older people come to terms with physical changes, is to present Theresa May with a full length mirror. A round of applause will follow.   The ceremony will be...
Fidget Spinners

Fidget Spinners useful to distract children from the bleak reality of future under Conservatives

The latest craze sweeping the nation and captivating kids of all ages is the fidget spinner. Originally designed to aid development, coordination, dexterity and to improve concentration for autistic children. The simply designed product is...
Aliens

Aliens call off attack due to lack of funny title for this article

Giant brain-sucking aliens from the R33-Delta 1 Q’Luurfb system have put back their planned invasion of the planet Earth we can exclusively reveal today. The green, eight-fingered, slimy Q’Luurfbians had planned to invade this coming...

Not enough young gay men commit suicide say arseholes in Anglican Synod

The utterly irrelevant small minded patronising pricks, bitches and utter arseholes in the Anglican Synod have said that not enough vulnerable young men kill themselves every year.

Apology

We recently ran an article stating that Donald Trump's half brother was recently murdered in Kuala Lumpur by state security forces. It was actually Kim Jong Un's half brother who was murdered in Kuala Lumpur....

Have you tried turning Trump off and on again…

Technicians were called out this week to reboot Donald Trump, after a catastrophic failure in his programming left him arguing with his own reflection. The call was made on Friday morning, after an aide who...

New York Times Reported to the House Committee for Un-American Activities

The New York Times, long considered to be the lap-dog mouthpiece of the Commie-loving East-coast foreigner, has finally (and thankfully) been reported to the House Committee for Un-American Activities. Following a series of articles, many...
Newcastle

Met Office alert after sighting of Geordie woman wearing jacket in Newcastle

The Met Office has issued an almost unprecedented weather warning this evening after it was reported a woman was spotted on a night out in Newcastle city centre wearing a jacket.

Follow_on_AppleNews_wht_badge_RGB_US-UK

Popular Posts