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Andy Murray

Andy Murray’s Mum still won’t let him quit tennis club

The Rochdale Herald has discovered that Andy Murray's Mum still won't let him quit tennis club. "She promised me that if I won Wimbledon I wouldn't have to go anymore" said the moody British no.1...

Facebook war between cyclists and motorists over as Froome takes one for the team

The cyclist/motorist war is over after Chris Froome stepped up and took the knock that all motorists claim cyclists have deserved for the last 10 years. Three-time Tour de France winner Chris Froome says he...

Police and HMRC raid Arsenal after silver polish claim on VAT return

More tax scandal has hit the Premier League last night after police swooped on the Arsenal stadium after they tried to claim the VAT back on silver polish. HMRC officials were alerted after after...
Scientist

Study finds Manchester United fans have smallest penises

A new survey of football fans has discovered that Manchester United fans have significantly smaller penises than men who follow other teams. "It's not just the size" said knob measuring boffin Dr Klopp of Rochdale's...

John Inverdale to host ‘Dog Toy or Sex Toy’ at Wimbledon this year

The BBC have announced that John Inverdale will present a dog toy or sextoy game during rain delays at this year's Wimbledon championships.  The move comes amidst concerns that the BBC couldn't screen an impromptu Cliff Richard...

New EU rules send shock waves through the terraces

New EU rules are set to send shock waves through the football terraces of the UK. According to sources close to the FA, the European Parliament's Fair Trade Advocacy Office in conjunction with the...
Arsene Wenger

Corbyn hires Arsene Wenger as Labour Manager

It appears that politics will see a tornado of excitement and enthusiasm as Jeremy Corbyn is planning to bring in the current Arsenal manager to boost his election team. Despite the full backing of Arsenal...

Yoga All About Getting Your Head Up Your Own Fundament

It’s always been said that there’s more to yoga than the lotus position, but it has been revealed recently that the true aim is to become so supple as to be able to get...

Theresa May to Naked Mud Wrestle Nicola Sturgeon for the Right to Trigger Brexit

British Prime Minister Theresa May is to mud wrestle naked with Scottish nationalist leader Nicola Sturgeon for the right to trigger article 50 to take the United Kingdom out the European Union. Sources close to the prime...

Donald Trump’s Golf Partner Outraged at Sexist Muirfield

Rory McIlroy, who plays golf with a man who openly questioned Hilary Clinton's ability to sexually satisfy her husband, has continued his criticism of Muirfield despite the club voting to admit women members. "I still...

Sturgeon Calls for Scots Independence to save British Lions Tour

Nicola Sturgeon has called for IndyRef2 to be brought forward to save the British Lions Tour to New Zealand. Speaking in the aftermath of Scotland's 61:21 tubbing at the hands of England Ms Sturgeon said; "It...

Theresa May pledges to not remain silent on pee in swimming pools

Prime Minister Theresa May has pledged to not remain silent on the growing problem of pee in swimming pools highlighted in a shock report released earlier this week. "Clearly this something that previous administrations have...

Judd Trump To Change Name By Deed Poll

Snooker player Judd Trump has announced that he is to change his name by deed poll following a series of incidents whereby people saw his surname and associated him with SCROTUS Donald Trump. “It’s been...

FA enquiries into unusual betting

The Football Association today launched an inquiry into what it described as 'very bizarre' wagers placed with bookies regarding recent matches. The FA spokesman, Brian Crosse-Barre, 97, said, "After bets were placed on Sutton United's...
Boxer hitting punchbag

Paul Nuttall – Why I Won’t Talk About Fight Club

Paul Nuttall O.B.E is reluctant to talk about Fight Club, the global phenomenon he founded in 1996. “Chuck and me, we don't talk about it." He replied when our entertainment correspondent spoke to Paul earlier this week. The...

Muslims Infiltrate Ranks of Top British Sports Teams

Statisticians today pointed to a 25% increase in Muslims appearing among the top four run scorers in the England cricket team.  "It appears the sneaky Islamists are obtaining access to the team by posing as...

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