Big Ben EU UK

Theresa May says Britain and Europe should come together as if in some sort...

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Theresa May has been further outlining her vision for Brexit. The Prime Minister was speaking to journalists on her way home from Florence. She told us, "What I see is a red, white and blue...
Theresa May

Anagramologists discover Conservatives is an anagram of voters cave in

Only Theresa May can effectively negotiate Brexit, according to Tories. "Obviously with all 27 EU nations being absolutely united and holding all the cards," explained Brexit expert and Conservative Party member Lotta Pounds, "it would...

Global Markets panic as #BoycottEverything goes viral on Twitter

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Capitalism is on the verge of a complete irreversible collapse top Economists revealed today with the entire system due to crash, burn, explode and then disappear up it's own arse at any given moment. What's...
Angry People

Rochdale Herald distances itself from Rochdale Herald Online question whether Daily Mail Editor Paul...

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We are aware this may make us appear terribly foolish. The Rochdale Herald Editor, the late Quentin D Fortesqueue, is seething about the lack of comprehension amongst the respective readerships of the difference between the...

Police Commissioner Confirms Police To Desist From Arresting People Doing Nothing Wrong

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South Yorkshire Police Commissioner Adam Spillings went on record today as saying his force would no longer be arresting tree campaigners for doing nothing wrong 'under trade union law or any other law'. He...
Rosie and Jim

Rosie and Jim Seized in Immigration Raid

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News is emerging that 1990's TV stars Rosie and Jim have been arrested and are now facing deportment following the repeal of the European Convention on Human Rights. The TV stars, real names Bratislav...

Activity holidays not holidays – survey finds

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A survey carried out by the Herald shows Britons are increasingly of the opinion that lying by a pool in the warm sun and having a range of alcoholic beverages on tap, is by...

Thatcher to be resurrected on Halloween night to put the caring back into the...

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The office of the prime minister has reassured the nation this morning by announcing that patron saint of Toryism, Margaret Thatcher, is to be resurrected on Halloween night this year to put the caring...

Anglican bishop changes Facebook relationship status to – it’s complicated

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Bishop of Grantham Nicholas Chamberlain this morning changed his Facebook relationship to: "it's complicated!" Although being in a relationship with a man he stresses that this is a celibate relationship, and his relationship with...

Tests prove evolution has stopped among UKIP supporters

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Groundbreaking research at Rochdale Technical University’s Institute of Genetic Engineering has confirmed that evolution has stopped working, and in some cases is being reversed, among the membership of right-wing extremist groups. Doctor Jean Splicer, 42,...
Trump

Boy Scouts of America deny meeting Donald Trump

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The Boy Scouts of America have issued a statement denying meeting Donald Trump. “It never happened. It's fake news folks.” The statement begins. “Only a sick, sick person would believe that we would ask a man...
Businessman

Brexit means Brexit means Brexit means Brexit confirms EU Brexit negotiator

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"It's taken us a week to work out just how clever you Brits are," said negotiator Hans Upp. "We thought it was just a bit stupid, like 'Banana means Banana', but at last the...

Elton John’s Buckfast addled night of passion with Jimmy Krankie’s Mum

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Elton John, no stranger to controversy, has claimed that he had a one night stand with the mother of TV comedian-child Jimmy Krankie while on a mad Bucky bender many years ago. "I was out...

BBC bans racist song White Christmas

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The BBC working on advice from Institute for Cultural Correctness has announced that the song, White Christmas is to be banned. Spokeswoman for the perpetually offender, Rita Right-on told us, "When you analyse the lyrics...

Six year old girl fears poisoning after finding new food mixed into her food

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Six year old Sally Parker, domestic overseer and student, has recoiled in horror fearing poisoning after the discovery of new food mixed into food she thought safe through exhaustive and repeated experience. The incident occurred...
Angry

Seinfeld fan offended by ‘white free’ Luke Cage series

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Rochdale couch tuber, Archibald Taggart, has hidden himself away behind a fort made entirely of his Friends and Seinfeld video and DVD box sets, and is refusing to come out. "There wasn't a single white...

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