Evil Tory bastards sign off on pay increase for 1.3 million NHS workers

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Over a million NHS staff including front line nurses and paramedics are expected to receive 6% pay increases, the Rochdale Herald has been told.
theresa nay laughing

May announces bed sharing and brunch in effort to save NHS

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The NHS is in crisis, dead bodies litter corridors and elderly people lie stranded, a trip hazard for nurses, and a health and safety nightmare. The Prime Minister has issued another five-point plan...

Mordor agrees below inflation pay rise for Hobbits

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Over a million Hobbits across The Shire including front line ring bearers and turnip farmers are expected to receive 6% pay increases, the Rochdale Herald has been told.

Gillette admit razors not suitable for sensitive skin

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International razor brand Gillette has admitted that after years of investment, their product is not suitable for the delicate skin of the modern day manchild Despite introducing blade, after blade, after blade, the company has...
Michael Gove

Women seeking cosmetic surgery to make their genitals look like Michael Gove

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The Labia Party have announced new plans to make vaginal cosmetic surgery available on the NHS. The announcement follows news that millions of women and some pre-teeners are requesting cosmetic surgery as they are...
Fruit Salad

Fruit salad cancer risk

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Fruit salads may cause cancer, top Latvian scientists have found. The study, published in Eat My Carcinoma, has sent shockwaves through fruit communities and undermines the long-held belief that this ancient food can help...
Gove and Trump Tourette's

NHS Swamped by Tourette’s outbreak after Gove and Trump footage surfaces

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Accident and Emergency departments across the country collapsed utterly this morning after thousands of people swamped hospitals with suspected cases of Tourette's Syndrome.

Living in Italy and eating really nice food might cure depression, confirms Institute of...

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The institute for the blindingly obvious has today proclaimed that living in Italy and eating nice food may help depression. Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College told us, "The researchers looked at 2 groups of...

Health scare over psychotic illness which only infects BMW OWNERS!!!

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Doctors at Central Rochdale Asylum for Psychosis have issued a health warning over a virus which only infects BMW owners. Doctors have, however, begun work on antiviral treatments. Dr Anita Slowdown explained the symptoms: "First...

Crossfit cult ‘survivor’ makes full recovery after being rescued

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A former member of the cult of Crossfit, Steve ‘Tits’ Day, has spoken for the first time having made a full recovery from his formerly toned and healthy condition. Happily now surrounded by pizza boxes...
anti-vaxxer

My kids weren’t vaccinated and the one who didn’t die is okay says anti-vaxxer

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Tracy O'Daffy of Middleton is heading a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of vaccination throughout the Rochdale area. Tracy has been a long time 'Anti Vaxxer', meaning that she is strongly against vaccination...
Fat Man Gym

Man begins month long quest to get fit

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In a determined effort, this time (yes, this time it's for real, not like the other times) Simon Lardon, single, of Sheffield, has given up beer and bacon and joined his local Sweatytynes to...

Woman killed by drinking mineral water 15 minutes older than best before date

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A Rochdale resident was found dead at home today after consuming a bottle of water 15 minutes past its expiry date. Police told the Herald that they believed the woman had died sometime over the weekend. Forensic scientist...

Jeremy Hunt to introduce Pay Per View Patient Records

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NHS officials have confirmed reports that health minister Jeremy Hunt has been hacked. "Since his initial appointment as health minister in 2012 we have been working on the assumption that Hunt was a particularly pernicious form of malware,"...
knitting

16 Dead In Rochdale Women’s Institute Needle Exchange Hep B Outbreak

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The Department of Health have launched an inquiry into an outbreak of Hepatitis B at a Rochdale WI knitting needle swap scheme after untreated cases resulted in the death of sixteen members.  Problems seemed to...
Tour de France

Asthma Society public awareness campaign kicks off with three-week cycling Tour of France

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Saturday sees the start of The Asthma Society's global awareness campaign. 176 chronic asthma sufferers will cycle 2,082 miles of the roughest French terrain to raise awareness of the effects of this crippling lung...

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