18 C
Rochdale, UK
Fruit Salad

Fruit salad cancer risk

Fruit salads may cause cancer, top Latvian scientists have found. The study, published in Eat My Carcinoma, has sent shockwaves through fruit communities and undermines the long-held belief that this ancient food can help prevent the disease. Researchers...

Public Health Warning-Skittles Ban comes into effect.

The popular sweets Skittles will today be banned from sale all across the world after news has emerged that just 3 of them contain lethal poison after US Presidential candidate Donald Trump uncovered the...

Meat eater scrolls past post about vegetarianism and veganism without commenting

A man, a manly man, a red-blooded meat-eating man, scrolled past a post on eating non-animal products today and thought 'Meh, live and let live,' and thus broke the internet. Harrison Hunter apologised later and...

London Motorists furious that cyclists lives might be saved

London drivers are currently outraged at London mayor Sadiq Khan’s plans to reduce cyclists deaths. “Over half of cyclist deaths in the capital involve construction type trucks with high cabs and large wheels and very...

Tory superbug found in pigs

A variant of the antibiotic-resistant superbug MRSA normally found in old Etonians and Conservative Party politicians has found its way into the nation's food supply via pork, tests have revealed. "This particular variant is...

Hunt solves NHS waiting list crisis with introduction of geological clock

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has solved the problem of NHS waiting times by making hospitals use the geological clock.  After coming under increasing pressure from everyone to sod off and die, Mr Hunt has today...
Glass of orange juice

The man from Del Monte in critical condition with scurvy

80's TV ad star and renowned juice producer, Derek Monte, was rushed to hospital yesterday and  immediately diagnosed with scurvy, a debilitating illness caused by a severe vitamin C deficiency that commonly affected pirates...

Shoppers rejoice as bendy bananas sneak back into supermarkets after Commons vote

UK shoppers were in ecstasy as bendy bananas made a comeback into British supermarkets following Parliament’s decision to allow Prime Minister Theresa May to trigger article 50. Although bendy bananas are not strictly allowed...

NHS admit to clicking ‘remind me later’ on McAfee update for seven years straight

NHS digital has come under fire from computer security professionals; as an investigation into yesterday's Malware virus has revealed NHS used McAfee and hadn't updated it in seven years. "Honestly, bloody McAfee?" Said digital security expert Mike...

Woman killed by drinking mineral water 15 minutes older than best before date

A Rochdale resident was found dead at home today after consuming a bottle of water 15 minutes past its expiry date. Police told the Herald that they believed the woman had died sometime over the weekend. Forensic scientist...
Theresa May

Theresa May’s Rituals

“Theresa May is signalling distress.” Dr. Maca Damia comments, viewing photos of the Prime Minister kneeling by the road just inside Wales. “Do you see what she has in her hands?” Dr. Damia is a clinical...
Hilligndon Hospital

Hospital P.O.S. system hailed a success

A new high-tech electronic point-of-sale system developed by a Rochdale company has been described as 'an outstanding success' by managers and staff at Hillingdon Hospital in Middlesex. SVD Systems completed installation of the £6.2m system...

Smallbridge Flats Man Convinced Pigeon Likes to Watch him Hoover Naked

While spending a good portion of his weekly income on the Euromillions, Mr. Garry Lee Shaw complained about the fifth or even sixth time that week that he’d seen the exact same pigeon outside...

Nutters shouldn’t be stigmatised says Theresa May

The hidden injustice of mental illness is something that Tories really care about, claims the woman who heads a party that has cut mental health provisioning back so far you can see its bone...
Rochdale paramedics

Husband fails to avoid loaded question

A Rochdale man is currently receiving counselling and treatment for first-degree burns after failing to give the correct answer to a blatantly loaded question posed by his wife. James Grossweiner, 52, was caught floundering shortly...
Doctor

Government to solve doctor shortage by drafting in Job Centre  assessors

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt outlined plans today to "fill the doctor void" with medically untrained Job Centre staff. The move has come under heavy criticism from The British Medical Association, leading Labour MP's and even...

Follow_on_AppleNews_wht_badge_RGB_US-UK

Popular Posts

Connect!