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Rochdale, UK

New Milk Plus craze proves popular among health conscious droogs, malchickywicks.

Following hot on the heels of the popular and successful Juice Plus craze, a new fad is set to storm the nation in the coming months.  Milk Plus is the latest fad-du-jour of the nation's...
bottles of water

New Juice Plus rival Juice Minus to include ‘no juice’

It's that time of the year again when everyone makes doomed to fail resolutions but, fear not, there's a new product on the market that will ease your January blues. New Juice Minus is a...

Creator of Sitcom-Only Medical Procedure Heimlichs Out

US doctor Henry Heimlich, who invented the manoeuvre used to help victims of choking, has died aged 96. Dr Heimlich died at a hospital in the US city of Cincinnati early on Saturday following complications...

Scandal rocks vegan community as it’s revealed they’re made of meat

For years normal people have been subjected to snooty vegans looking down on them and preaching how immoral they are for eating animals just because they taste delicious.
George Michael

George Michael declined 33rd heart transplant after ‘giving them away’

The 80's pop sensation 90's cop bothering loiterer and naughties stoner George Michael has been refused the vital surgery by the NHS. Chief Cardiovascular Surgeon Mr. Robin Hart said; "I like George Michael, don't get me...

Theresa May gives civil servants 300% wage rise for World Aides Day

Unelected Prime Minister and part time Zelda impersonator has managed to anger both equalities protesters and AIDS awareness groups with her latest gaffe. Mrs May has announced a 300% pay rise for all civil servants...

Big Mac Inventor’s funeral to be smaller than it looks in adverts

Michael "Jim" Delligatti, the man who invented the MacDonalds Big Mac burger (and apparently wasn't aware of what Jim is supposed to be short for) has died leaving people unsatisfied and feeling slightly ripped off.

Editorial – A light in the dark for stroke survivors

Here at The Rochdale Herald we support several charities. One of those charities is Different Strokes the UK charity for younger stroke survivors. Today sees the launch of Different Strokes’ Light In The Dark campaign...
British Homeopath

British Homeopathy Association to strike over watered down labelling

The British Homeopathy Association has announced a planned strike over government plans to label their medication as being ‘useless’. The head of the British Homeopathic Association announced the move. There will be a .00000001 second strike...
Glass of orange juice

The man from Del Monte in critical condition with scurvy

80's TV ad star and renowned juice producer, Derek Monte, was rushed to hospital yesterday and  immediately diagnosed with scurvy, a debilitating illness caused by a severe vitamin C deficiency that commonly affected pirates...

STD’s seek Brexit freedom of movement assurances

Several prominent sexually-transmitted infections have today sought assurances from the Government that Brexit will not have a negative impact on their European transmission rates.  In an open letter to MPs, the disease organisms expressed concerns that restrictions...

Dentist warns that Halloween treats ages teeth of refugees

The spokesman for the Royal College of Dental Surgeons has issued a warning not to feed sweets to starving children.
Sperm

Despite Brexit vote UK National Sperm Bank to close due to wanker shortage

Despite all evidence to the contrary the U.K. Is suffering from a profound wanker shortage after the National Sperm Bank recruited only seven wankers in two years.
Fruit Salad

Fruit salad cancer risk

Fruit salads may cause cancer, top Latvian scientists have found. The study, published in Eat My Carcinoma, has sent shockwaves through fruit communities and undermines the long-held belief that this ancient food can help prevent the disease. Researchers...
E-Cigarette

E-Cigarettes create ‘Super Organ’

E-Cigarettes cause your internal organs to fuse together creating one large ‘super organ’ that later bursts, scientists have found. The two-year study, which followed heavy users of the increasingly popular nicotine delivery system, showed signs of minor organ fusion...
Vegetables

Vegetables ‘have feelings too’ top scientists discover

Happy raspberries, disappointed carrots and furious parsnips may not be the stuff of fairy tales, top food scientists have shown. Researchers were observing the effect of peeling potatoes on levels of starch in fried wedges, and found...

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