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Lenny Henry

Premier Inn to change all the locks tonight

Every Premier Inn in the country is changing their locks tonight, whilst Lenny Henry hosts Red Nose Day on the BBC. Mr. Henry was the face of Premier Inn for several years, until a loop...

Nestlé announce Milky Bar Kid reboot

The public were thrilled today to learn that the classic Milky Bar adverts will be making a return to our television screens this autumn complete with the timeless Milky Bar Kid, horse and famous...

Controversy Rages Over New Polymer Five Pound Note

In one month's time, the Bank Of England will roll out the new polymer five pound banknote, replacing and ultimately phasing out the familiar paper ones that we have all come to know and...

Lidl gravy to hit £110 per litre

The budget supermarket is set to raise chicken and meat gravy prices after it was revealed that they both contain xylene, a chemical found in crude oil. The gravy manufacturer, Kania, have refused to comment...

Blockbuster Video returns to Rochdale high street in post EU Britain

There were scenes of creaky jubilation on Rochdale's decaying high street as crowds celebrated the return of retail giant Blockbuster. Rochdale's elderly population had turned out en masse at the voting booths to vote against...

President Trump launches Ivanka’s exclusive Hello Pussy lingerie line during talks with Japanese Prime...

Reading aloud small words from a Steve Bannon script, President Trump welcomed Prime Minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe, to the famous White House.  After he let go of the stunned Prime Minister’s hand following a...

Rochdale regrets out vote, as Euromillions lottery to be phased out by 2017

Communities in Rochdale were reeling this morning as more news of impending financial doom hit the papers, and the pockets of hard working job seekers and alcoholics alike. "I can't believe this is happening." Said...
Knickersw with Trump written on them

Get your hands out of Ivanka’s knickers, White House orders media

  White House press secretary Sean "Ginger" Spicer has issued an ultimatum to the US media in the wake of the growing row over the lingerie line belonging to President Trump's daughter Ivanka. Spicegirl accused the...
Brexit Easter Eggs

Mixed Reviews for Brexit Easter Eggs

The government’s official Brexit Easter Eggs have been flying off the shelves this week but many consumers have been left disappointed. Betty Roffin of Rochdale was one of many demanding a refund, stating “I bought...

Halcyon Days Here to Stay

  Alexander Boris de Pfeffle Johnson won't even be declared as head of the Tory Party until the needless sham of a leadership election is publicly played out in a futile attempt to convince the...

Sports Direct worker in critical condition after selling bag for life and giant mug

Medics were today called to Sports Direct at the Kingsway Shopping Centre in Rochdale after a member of the till staff collapsed in shock. Mary Jayne Watson (31) from the Falinge estate was working what...
Baby seal

Baby seals used in making of new £1 coin.

The bank of England and Royal Mint announced today that the new pound coin that entered into circulation this week is made using the blubber of baby seals. After much controversy from vegans, and middle-class...
Snobbish man

85% Of Waitrose Customers Horrified To Learn It Is A Workers’ Collective

Festive upper middle class shoppers in Waitrose were astonished and horrified to learn that the store is run as a workers' collective. Eric Pode (40), a shopper in the Croydon branch and a keen amateur...

Mexico Offers to Purchase Channel Tunnel Following Brexit

A Mexican conglomerate has offered to purchase the Channel Tunnel when Britain formally leaves the European Union. Juan Tunnelsunda, CEO of Tunnels 2 US, a new Mexican startup company,  said, “Once Britain leaves the EU...
99p store

Brawl sparked by £1 price tag in 99p store

A complaint about a price tag in Rochdale’s flagship 99p Store escalated into an unseemly brawl, causing damage estimated at £56.43. Rochdale Magistrates’ Court heard claims that items such as tea lights and slightly smaller than...

Ugly scenes in Rochdale Waitrose as champagne socialists panic buy Brie and Balsamic Vinegar

Things took a turn for the decidedly unpleasant at the plush new Waitrose store in Rochdale’s upmarket Shawclough Road area this afternoon as a spate of panic buying quickly escalated into bitter violence, looting...

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