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Rochdale, UK
Luxury goods shop

Local luxury goods firm goes bust

  High end retailer, Lewis Veeton Moway, has closed its doors for the last time, citing poor sales despite a massive promotional campaign. Rupert Cholmondley-Featherstonehaugh, the CEO of the bling-to-Bentley store, said, "We had little option...

President Trump launches Ivanka’s exclusive Hello Pussy lingerie line during talks with Japanese Prime...

Reading aloud small words from a Steve Bannon script, President Trump welcomed Prime Minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe, to the famous White House.  After he let go of the stunned Prime Minister’s hand following a...
Knickersw with Trump written on them

Get your hands out of Ivanka’s knickers, White House orders media

  White House press secretary Sean "Ginger" Spicer has issued an ultimatum to the US media in the wake of the growing row over the lingerie line belonging to President Trump's daughter Ivanka. Spicegirl accused the...

Global Markets panic as #BoycottEverything goes viral on Twitter

Capitalism is on the verge of a complete irreversible collapse top Economists revealed today with the entire system due to crash, burn, explode and then disappear up it's own arse at any given moment. What's...

Mexico Offers to Purchase Channel Tunnel Following Brexit

A Mexican conglomerate has offered to purchase the Channel Tunnel when Britain formally leaves the European Union. Juan Tunnelsunda, CEO of Tunnels 2 US, a new Mexican startup company,  said, “Once Britain leaves the EU...

Post Office denies responsibility for items lost in Post

Today The Post Office officially denied responsibility for undelivered items getting lost in the postal system. Post Office spokespostie, Patrick Clifton, told The Herald; "It's the job of the sender to pay enough postage to reach...
Lego logo

Lego let go of Trump

It has been revealed this week that toy manufacturing giants Lego will not produce a figure of president elect Donald Trump. Many have regarded this as a move to demonstrate opposition towards the hate-filled, racist,...

Local Entrepreneur Makes Big Hit On Dragon’s Den

Local businessman Vinnie 'Fingers' McPherson entered the big league in the world of high finance today when his appearance on TV's popular Dragon's Den show took him from pitch to rich. "I love doing this show" a...

Lost Amazon Tribe found really fit and well

Startling news reached us today that a lost tribe of warehouse workers has been found "really fit" and well in an Amazon 'fulfilment centre' near Tewkesbury. The tribe is thought to consist of approximately 75...

ACEA: No U-Turn on Right-hand Drive Cars

The European Automobile Manufacturers Association (ACEA: Association des Constructeurs Européens d'Automobiles) looks set to cease the production of right-hand drive vehicles by mid-2019. The decision comes after months of debate amongst its members, which include...
Man Shop

Shops Brace Themselves for Annual 24th December Man Shop of Well Packaged Shite

Man Shop's Eve - the day men buy all their Christmas presents using no thought or imagination based only upon the quality of packaging that might get away without being wrapped is looming large...

I am a Vagrant Get Me Out Of Here!

Customers visiting a Tesco supermarket in Leytonstone, East London had a surprise when they were asked to pay £2 to step inside a “Santa's Grotto” tucked into a corner outside the supermarket.
Drone

ISIL in talks with Amazon over drone deliveries deal

An email has surfaced, from an anonymous source claiming to be from within Amazon, which suggests that the international distribution leviathan is in secret talks with a shadowy company over its plans to roll...

Channel 4 reporter unearths shocking conditions in Santa’s workshop

 In the short film to be aired later this week on Channel 4 News, elves were shown being threatened with dismissal after 'three strikes' by a fat beard-clad despot, Santa Claus.  An agency elf, who...

Lidl gravy to hit £110 per litre

The budget supermarket is set to raise chicken and meat gravy prices after it was revealed that they both contain xylene, a chemical found in crude oil. The gravy manufacturer, Kania, have refused to comment...

Amnesty International condemn plans to open JD Sports Warehouse on Guantanamo Bay

Amnesty International have written a strongly worded letter to the shareholders of JD Sports and the CIA urging them not to open a warehouse on the US base on Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. "Life is...

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