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Rochdale, UK

Channel 4 reporter unearths shocking conditions in Santa’s workshop

 In the short film to be aired later this week on Channel 4 News, elves were shown being threatened with dismissal after 'three strikes' by a fat beard-clad despot, Santa Claus.  An agency elf, who...

Lidl gravy to hit £110 per litre

The budget supermarket is set to raise chicken and meat gravy prices after it was revealed that they both contain xylene, a chemical found in crude oil. The gravy manufacturer, Kania, have refused to comment...

Amnesty International condemn plans to open JD Sports Warehouse on Guantanamo Bay

Amnesty International have written a strongly worded letter to the shareholders of JD Sports and the CIA urging them not to open a warehouse on the US base on Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. "Life is...

Strangeways to send its wardens to JD Sports Warehouse for’retraining’

Inspired by an undercover report on working practises at the JD Sports Warehouse in Rochdale, the Governor of HMP Prison Manchester, Dave Morrisey, had an epiphany; "Strangeways is rife with drugs, mobile phones and violence,...
Snobbish man

85% Of Waitrose Customers Horrified To Learn It Is A Workers’ Collective

Festive upper middle class shoppers in Waitrose were astonished and horrified to learn that the store is run as a workers' collective. Eric Pode (40), a shopper in the Croydon branch and a keen amateur...
English Breakfast

Little Chef Change All Breakfasts To ‘Pork-Free’ After Complaints by ‘Foreigners’.

British roadside dining legends Little Chef have decided to make all their breakfasts, including their famous ‘All Day Breakfast’, entirely pork-free following a campaign by ‘hooded foreigners’ who accused them of discrimination and uncleanliness. The...

Former President of Gambia applies for Argos security guard position

After decades of ruling over Gambia, dictator Yahya Jammeh has recently lost an election to Adama Barrow who, amazingly, used to be a north London Argos security guard himself. Jammeh, who's full title was 'His...
Geese

New £50 note to be made of foie gras

In a surprise move, it was revealed today that the new £50 note is to be made of foie gras. The announcement comes as a double blow to angry vegetarians, who found out that the...

Big 6 to impose “Christmas Levy” on consumers

The Big 6 electricity providers are set to impose a special levy on households deemed to have displays of more than 5 metres of Christmas lighting this year.  The energy companies are concerned that with...

Retailers unconcerned by “Buy Nothing Day”

UK retailers were left smirking knowingly today as momentum gathered for the Buy Nothing Day campaign, being run on the same day as Black Friday.  The campaign which urges people not to buy a single...

Hot Deals in Rochdale Black Friday Price Crash! – Don’t miss out!

Rochdale is going nuts this Friday with mega deals accross the town centre. Grab a bargain, they're giving it away.  Literally! -Head down to Scope on Friday and a get a cool 10p off their 50p...

Supermarkets Brexit crisis as panic buyers hoard essentials

?Staff arriving for work at the new Rochdale Waitrose were surprised to find a car park full of Range Rovers and a queue of concerned looking women at the door waiting for the store to open. “Initially...
Cyclist in rain

Prize boffin apparently unaware of weather

The winner of this year's Dyson James Dyson Boffin Admired By Dyson's James Dyson Award, is Isis. No, not the naughty middle eastern twerps, a boffin whose name is Isis Schiffer. Ira, sorry I mean Isis,...

Reverse-only cars to propel American manufacturing forward

It has been revealed that the Donald Trump administration plans to revitalise America’s former manufacturing heartland – the Rust Belt – with production of a new range of cars. The new machines will, initially, be...

Rothschilds ‘surprised’ at Trump victory but pleased in investment in US wall building company

The Rothschild family are set for a huge windfall following Donald Trump's 'surprise' success in the US election.

Trump to rename Black Friday White Friday

Today news has reached us here at The Herald that President elect Donald Trump has insisted Black Friday (the traditional start of the festive shopping period in the US) is to be rebranded White...

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